Chemical Analysis Of Humans

Chemical Analysis Of Humans
Element name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.

Atomic weight: ‘Don’t even go there’.

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element name: MAN.
Symbol: XY.

Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

 

30 Nasty Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man

Naked Man1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.
3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no… a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won’t take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird!!!

 

A Woman’s Demerit Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed ………………..+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…. 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets……………….-1

You leave the toilet seat up………….-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty………… 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom………..-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5

in the snow……………+8

but return with beer……….-5

and no liners………………..-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night……. 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing………… 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something……….+5

You pummel it with a six iron………..+10

It’s her cat…………………….-40

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner……………. 0

You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar….+1

Okay, it is a sports bar……….-2

And it’s all-you-can-eat night….-3

It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team……-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal…………………….+5

The pal is happily married…………+4

Or frighteningly single……………-7

And he drives a Ferrari……………-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)……..-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie……………+2

You take her to a movie she likes…..+4

You take her to a movie you hate……+6

You take her to a movie you like……-2

It’s called Death Cop 3……………-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans….-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…..-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly………….-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it………………………….+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…….-30

You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”……-800

THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)

She asks, “Do I look fat?”

You hesitate in responding…..-10

You reply, “Where?”…………-35

Any other response………….-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression…… 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes………………..+5

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…………………………….+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep….-200

 

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