A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, “That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”
“Oh, he still is,” remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he’s headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”
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Joe was known as a stingy bastard, so when he died it quickly went around town that Joe’s will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said. “You told me about the $30,000 in the will,” replied her friend Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “But how much did this really cost?” “All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand!” “No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?” “The funeral was $6,500,” Helen answered. “The wake, food and drinks were another $1,000. The rest went for the memorial stone.” Jody computed quickly. “Wait; $22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!” Helen held up her hand: “Three and a half carats.” |
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back… “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!” |
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As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, “I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.”
His wife looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?” |