Tag: Marriage

“So how’d you get that black eye.” he asks

“Well it was a slip of the tongue. I meant to ask the attractive woman at the desk for, “one ticket to Pittsburgh”. Instead I asked for, “one picket to Titsburgh” and she punched me. What about you?”

“Mine was a slip of the tongue too. This morning at breakfast I meant to ask my wife, “honey please pass me the Cheerios”. But instead it came out, “you ruined my life you stupid bitch.”

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous… or what?”

“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”

The doctor tells him he has to develop self esteem. The doctor gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home.

When he walks through the door and his wife comes to greet him, he tells her, “From now on I’m the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want my dinner on the table.

Now get upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The undertaker.” she replies.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 11 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?