Tag: Marriage
Joke Of The Day: The Art Collector’s Wife
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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. “Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.” The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Give me the good news first.”
The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.” Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?” The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
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Joke Of The Day: The Immovable Dirty Spot
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My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture.
“I don’t know what you’ve brought in,” she said, “but I can’t seem to get this out.” He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.
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Things You Should Never Say to Your Pregnant Wife
“Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
“Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Scarlett Johanssen had a baby!”
“I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
“Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
“Damn if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
“Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
“Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Jonah Hill!”
“I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
“Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
“Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!”
Two words: “babe magnet”!
“Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
“Got milk?”
“Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
“Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
“No honey, you’re in just the shape that God wants you to be in… in a couple months, maybe you’ll be in the shape I want you to be in…”
“Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
“Sure you’ll get your figure back — we’ll just search 2015 where you left it.”
“Keys are on the fridge, honey. I’ll see you at the hospital at half-time.”
“Sure, the doctor said you’re eating for two – but he didn’t mean two orcas.”
“Honey — Come show the guys your Brando impression!”
“Hey Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!”
“How come you’re so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?”
“Sweetheart, where’d you put that Victoria’s Secret catalog?”
“What’s the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out.”
“Hey, when you’re finished pukin’ in there, get me a beer, willya?”
“Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?”
“That’s not a bun in the oven — it’s the whole friggin’ bakery!”
“You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive.”
“Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support.”
“Yo, Fatass! You’re blocking the TV!”
“No, I don’t know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?”
“I know today’s your due date, but Larry just got a 10-point buck and that’s a reason to celebrate, too.”
“You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Lard-ass.”
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