Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, “do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”
A handful of 7 year old children were asked, ‘what they thought of beer.’ Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
7-year-old Tim – ‘I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.’
7-year-old Melanie – ‘Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.’
7-year-old Grady – ‘My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.’
7-year-old Toby – ‘My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’
7-year-old Sarah – ‘My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much.’
7-year-old Lilly – ‘My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.’
7-year-old Ethan – ‘I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.’
7-year-old Shirley – ‘I give Dad’s beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.’
7-year-old Jack – ‘My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense.’
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.”
She then asked little Alex what he had done? “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said………
“Winnie the SHIT”
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME_______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH____________
2. HEIGHT:__________ WEIGHT:__________ I.Q. _________ G.P.A._________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________ DRIVER’S LICENSE # __________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK ____________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE_______ ZIP_____
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?_________________
7. Number of years parents married: ______________
8. Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?____ A waterbed?______
9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ________________
__________________________________________________ ________________
__________________________________________________ ________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ________________
__________________________________________________ ________________
__________________________________________________ ________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ________________
__________________________________________________ ________________
__________________________________________________ ________________
12. Church you attend? ________________________ How often? ___________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and priest? ______
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely – all answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone-ever-promise).
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is ________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is _____________
C. A woman’s place is in the _________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________
E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is ________
(NOTE: If answer E begins with a T or A, discontinue and leave premises; keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised).
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________
16. Do you have any holes in your body other than the ones God graced you with and if so, how many? _______________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
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Signature (that means sign your name, moron)