Tag: Joke Of The Day

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you.”

“Why?” says the old lady.

“Our manager heard that old people are buying cat food and eating it themselves, and he finds that unacceptable.”

“That’s ridiculous, I have to make an extra trip?” says the old lady. But she goes home and gets her cat, brings it back to the store, and they sell her the cat food.

A few days later, she comes back to the store and comes up to the cashier with a big box of dog biscuits.

“I’m sorry, I can’t sell you those unless you prove to me that you have a dog.”

“Ridiculous, I have to make an extra trip again?” But she goes home and gets her dog, brings it back to the store, and they sell her the dog biscuits.

A few days later, the old lady comes back to the store carrying a small box, and approaches the same cashier.

“What’s in the box?” the cashier asks.

“Stick your finger in this hole and find out.”

“Oh no, you’ve got a snake or something that will bite me or scratch me in there!”

“No, there’s nothing alive in it,” says the old lady.

So the cashier sticks a finger in the hole, feels something soft, takes the finger out and says “Ew! That smells like poo!”

“It is poo!” says the old lady. “Now can I buy some toilet paper?”

My whole life I have looked up to them.

At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father’s office and said, “Father, father! In one day, I broke the Smith case that you’ve been working on for so long!”

His father yelled, “You idiot! We’ve been living on the funding of that case for ten years!”