Tag: Jewish

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: A Hearing Problem

Rubber Chicken Morty to his vet: “Doc, I have a problem with my dog.”

Dr. Saul: “Tell me more.”

Morty: “He’s a Jewish dog. His name is Seth, and he can talk.”

Dr. Saul: “That’s impossible!”

Morty: “Watch this. Seth, Fetch!”

Seth: “So why are you talking to me like that? You only call me when you want something. You make me sleep on the cold floor. You give me this crappy food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it’s a special diet. And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it’s out of the house, a fast pish and right back home.”

Dr. Saul: “This is remarkable! So what’s the problem?”

Morty: “He has a hearing problem. I said ‘Fetch’, NOT ‘Kvetch’.”

 

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Returning A Christian

Rubber Chicken A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, “That’s odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.” So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said “That’s odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.”

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what’s going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians.”

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, “That’s odd . . . ”

 

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Jewish And Catholic

Rubber Chicken The little girl’s dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I’m half Jewish.”

 

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: The New Samurai

Rubber Chicken Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!

The emperor says, “That is very impressive!”

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces!

The emperor says, “That is really impressive!”

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Jewish samurai thinks, “If it works for the other two…” So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH! A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, “Why is the fly not dead?”

And the Jewish samurai replies… “Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!”

 

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Einstein The Dog

Rubber Chicken A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. He names the dog Einstein and trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks. He can’t wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor. A few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands “Fetch!”

Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, “You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey… And you think it’s easy eating that junk that you call designer dog food? Forget it… it’s too salty and it gives me gas. It’s disgusting I tell you!”

The neighbor is absolutely amazed… stunned. In astonishment, he says, “I can’t believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us.”

“I know, I know,” says the dog owner. “He’s not yet fully trained. He thought I said kvetch.”

 

 

 

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