Jeff Foxworthy Archives - Common Sense Evaluation

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope it’s not for you.

The only reason you’re still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You’re proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn’t breaking any laws.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

Your car has four doors.

You routinely check the oil in your car.

You’ve owned clothes so long that they’ve come back into style TWICE.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

7 AM is your idea of “sleeping in.”

You don’t remember when you got that mole…or the one next to it.

You write thank you notes without being told.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF……….

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

13. Your cousin is president of the United States.

Tag: Jeff Foxworthy