Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, ‘Well, you need three things from a DIY shop: a can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel.’
Paddy asked, ‘And what do I do with these, doc?’
The doc replied, ‘Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, “That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw”, you hit her with the shovel.’
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor
“Not a chance”, she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’.
It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”
“Feckin jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sitting here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”
Two American Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the American Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
“Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.”Was the other Indian crazy or what?”
The Indian replied “No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there’s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.”
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was the answer. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!”
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Like the others, he then heard an answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!”
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read……………
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and…. wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other…
‘Look Paddy…..there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while
we were pushing it!’
