Tag: Irish

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only
be in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

An Irishman walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll ya have?”

The Irishman says, “Aye, please set down five shots of yer finest Irish whiskey and back each of ’em up with a shot a beer.”

The bartender lines up 5 shot glasses and pours the best Irish whiskey they serve. He then pulls five tall beers and sets the glasses behind each shot glass.

The Irishman begins downing the shots and the beers, one right after the other, without even taking a breathe. All 10 drinks gone in under a minute.

The bartender says, “I have never, in all my days, ever seen someone drink that much alcohol so fast.”

The Irishman says, “Well, lad, if ya had what I got, you’d be drinkin’ fast too!”

The bartender leans in, with a serious face and asks, “What have ya got, old man?”

The Irishman says, “I’ve got one dollar.”

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic,” he says. “I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients.”

“Yes, sir!” answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, “So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,” says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this. And what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, “Help me, I beg you! It’s been five years since I’ve seen a man!”

“Thunderin’ Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.”

One night, a torrential rain soaked Southern Ireland. The next morning the resulting flood waters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.

Mrs. O’Flattery was sitting on her roof with her neighbour, Mrs.O’Leary, waiting for help to come when Mrs. O’Leary noticed a baseball cap Floating near the house.

She watched it float far out into the front yard and then float back to the house. Again and again, it kept floating away from the house, then back towards house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.O’Flattery, “Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin’ away from the house, den back again?”

Mrs. O’Flattery said, “Oh yeah, dass my husband Paddy; I tole him he gonna cut the grass today, come hell or high water!”