A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell.
The lawyer asked: “Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?”
The devil answered: “We have all of the judges.”
Bill Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.
“‘It’s me, Bill Clinton.”
“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.
“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.
“Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”
Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex — but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have ‘sexual relations.’ And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”
Twin brothers were born. As they grew up, one took the path of least resistance, and did not live a very good life. He drank, gambled, cheated on his wife, stole, embezzled-you name it. Of course, because of his lifestyle, he did not live to be very old.
Years and years later, the other twin-who had lead an exemplary-died with his loved ones by his side at the ripe old age of 89.
So when he got to heaven, St. Peter asked him if he had any requests. He said to St. Peter, “Look, I know my twin brother didn’t lead a good life, but he was my brother, and if it’s okay with you, I’d really like to take one last look at him.”
“Certainly, my son,” St. Peter said as he parted the clouds to peer down into the underworld. The man saw the most extraordinary thing! His brother was on a deserted island in a lake of fire, with a beautiful blonde on one hand and a bottle of 100-year-old whiskey in the other!
“I don’t get it,” the man said, “What kind of punishment is that?”
“Ah,” said St. Peter, “Don’t be deceived by looks, my son. All is not what it appears to be. You see, the bottle of whiskey has a hole in it, but the girl . . . “