Tag: Groaner

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Three Kingdoms

Rubber Chicken There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.

The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.

The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: The Worst Conductor

Rubber Chicken The world’s worst conductor was directing up his band during a practice for an upcoming concert.

Half way through the first act he was directing with wild abandon when, out of his hand, his baton flew and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player instantly killing her.

The police arrive shortly after and ruled the case as an accident.

The following week at practice, he again was caught up in the music of the second act and out of his hand flew the baton, which this time struck a flute player in the eye instantly killing her.

The police arrived and after consideration ruled the case an accident.

The following week at practice the conductor again got lost in the moment of the music of the third act and out of his hand flew the baton this time hitting a trumpet player in the eye and killing him instantly.

After the police arrived they could not believe that this was an accident after the third death, and the conductor was arrested.

The conductor was tried and sentenced to death in the electric chair.

After strapping him in the chair operator threw the switch, nothing happened.

Again he threw the switch and nothing happened.

The warden was frustrated by this time and demanded that the chair operator explain what the problem was, to which the chair operator explained, “Well, everyone knows he’s a bad conductor”.

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Halloween Night

Rubber Chicken It was Halloween night… A man was walking home from work when he heard thump noises behind him.

He turned around and saw a coffin following him.

He was scared and started to run, the coffin kept right up with him.

He got to his house ran through the front door, locked it and ran upstairs.

The coffin busted through the front door and followed the man upstairs.

The man ran for his life and then locked himself in the bathroom.

The coffin burst into the bathroom.

The man totally freaked out reached into the medicine cabinet and grabbed what he could find.

What he grabbed was cough drops. He threw the cough drops at the coffin and the coffin stopped.

 

 

Jokes

Groaners

Groaners

  1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
  4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  5. No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery.
  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.
  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  17. A backward poet writes inverse.
  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
  21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.

 

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