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Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window. After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, “Weren’t you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old? The nun replied, “Nah, don’t you know old habits are hard to break?!
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Farmer Bob and Farmer Jim were having an ongoing feud. They were both cattle farmers, but Jim’s herd was much larger and fatter, and his meat went for much more money.
So Bob started looking for a way to bulk up his cows. He started experimenting with various methods of enhancing his cattle. After several unsuccessful attempts, he discovered that feeding them marijuana made them grow exponentially, while at the same time, making them more docile and hungrier. Hearing of his rival’s success, Jim immediately went to the police and disclosed to them Bob’s revolutionary (but illegal) new method. While standing trial, Bob explained to the judge that the beef from his weed-enhanced cows was the most delicious meat in the world. The judge, liking red meat as much as the next guy, demanded to taste it. So Bob slaughtered a steer and grilled up a cut for the judge. Upon tasting it, the judge immediately found Bob not guilty. Later, at a barbecue to celebrate his victory, Bob and the judge were discussing his trial. The judge said, “I’ve presided over thousands of really stressful trials, but in your case, the steaks have never been higher!”
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The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6:00 pm each day after the day’s battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6:00 pm staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!
So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6:00 pm each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock “Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6:00 pm,” he said, “Cost is no object.” A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6:00 pm each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6:00 pm by the color change, and could consistently get to the meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much. It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. “It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change,” said one junior executive. “I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch.” This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious. Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Navel Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public. A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6:00 pm, it should be called the Six O’Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening. Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. “We shall call it a timeband, and in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as … ‘Alexander’s Rag Timeband’!”
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Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture.
One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. “Look at that,” remarked Phil to Will. “That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!”
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Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order.
‘I would like a Sprite,’ said the first little piggy. ‘I would like a Coke,’ said the second little piggy. ‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner ‘I want a nice big steak,’ said the first piggy.. ‘I would like the salad plate,’ said the second piggy. ‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. ‘I want a banana split,’ said the first piggy. ‘I want a cheesecake,’ said the second piggy. ‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ exclaimed the third little piggy. ‘Pardon me for asking,’ said the waiter to the third little piggy,’ But why have you only ordered beer all evening?’ The third piggy says… ‘Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
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