Joke Of The Day: The Best Programmer

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Mar 162016
 
Rubber Chicken Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well, then,” God said, “Let us see if Jesus did any better.”

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

Satan was astonished. He stuttered, “But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”

God chuckled. “Jesus Saves” he said.

 

 

The Story Of Creation

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Dec 202015
 

Story Of CreationIn the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn’t be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, “Let there be light.”

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night.” Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed.”

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.”

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before….

At this point, God created Hell.

 

The Final Inspection

 Inspiration, Political  Comments Off on The Final Inspection
Dec 102015
 

Final Inspection

The policeman stood and faced his God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.

“Step forward now, policeman,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My church have you been true?”

The policeman squared his shoulders,
And said, “No Lord. I guess I ain’t.
Because those who carry badges,
Can’t always be a saint.”

“I’ve had to work most Sundays,
and at times my talk was rough…
and sometimes I’ve been violent,
because the streets are awful tough.”

“But I never took a penny,
That wasn’t mine to keep…
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.”

“And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God forgive me,
I wept unmanly tears.”

“I know I don’t deserve a place,
among the people here.
The never wanted me around,
except to calm their fear.”

“If you’ve a place for me here, Lord,
it needn’t be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But, if you don’t…I’ll understand.”

There was a silence all around the throne,
Where saints had often trod,
As the policeman waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.

“Step forward now, policeman,
You’ve borne your burdens well.
Come walk a beat on heaven’s streets,
You’ve done your time in hell.”

 

 
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Joke Of The Day: God’s Email

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Nov 122015
 
Rubber Chicken One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of his best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while.

When she returned she told God, “Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.”

Well, he considered for a moment and thought maybe he’d better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and told him “Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good.”

God said this was not good.

So he decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?

Oh, you didn’t get one either, huh?

 

 

God And Climate Change

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Nov 042015
 

God And Climate Change
Listen up Pope Francis!

If you believe in God, then intellectually you cannot believe in man-made global warming. You must be either agnostic or atheistic to believe that man controls something that he can’t create.

I’ve had many people ask me, “You talk about climate change/global warming a lot. You make it clear you don’t agree, that you think it’s all a hoax, and you’re so certain, and it makes us uncomfortable.” Some people say, “Nobody’s that certain. I mean, how can you know this? I mean, there are people out there claim they’re scientists who say it’s happening, and that we’re causing it, and you tell us…? I mean, who are you? You’re not a scientist, and you’re telling us to disbelieve them all because it’s political?”

Yep.

A lot of people say, “You just can’t! Nobody can be that sure of themselves. You just can’t sit there and just automatically reject what scientists say!”

“Damn I can if I want to. If they’re Democrats — Liberal Democrats, funded by Liberal Democrats — you are bound to reject it. Your own sanity requires that you reject it if it comes from the funding of that group by the liberal Democrats or a big liberal Democrat donor, the Democrat Party, doesn’t matter. Because it’s a political issue that’s designed to get you believing you’re responsible, you must pay penance, you must acknowledge that you’re responsible, you must turn over all of this to big government to fix it. You must agree to raising taxes, carbon tax or whatever.

“Because the premise is you and the way you’re living your life are causing this destruction. And I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that.” And then I floor them. I wish I didn’t floor them. I wish what comes next did not shock people. But I tell them, “It is my devout belief in God that gives me every bit of confidence that man is not destroying — and furthermore, cannot — destroy the climate.” Then you go through all of what I consider the common-sensical ways of rejecting the premise, such as: “Have you ever noticed that the predictions are all for 30 years from now, 50 years from now, 100 years from now when people alive today will not be here to know whether they were right or wrong?

“Did you ever notice that a global warming catastrophe is never predicted for next year or next month? Have you noticed that ever since Hurricane Katrina, they’ve been hoping for more of them, so that they can use that to prove it, and there haven’t been any more? We haven’t had a major hurricane strike the country in 10 years, and yet they claim that Katrina was evidence galore of global warming?” I go through all of these things that you’ve heard for years, just the common-sensical ways of rejecting this premise.

I acknowledge the climate changes.

Everything changes. Nothing is static. Everything is dynamic.

The argument is, is Western Civilization responsible for it? That’s what the allegation is: That prosperous people, high standards of living, are responsible…for destroying the climate? Have you ever stopped to consider that charge? “If you wanted to destroy the climate, what would you do?” I ask them. “Would you go out and buy a fleet of SUVs, keep your thermostat at 60? What would you do? Like, if you really wanted to destroy the ozone layer, what would you do? I mean they’re claiming that you’re doing it, so what are you doing? What about your lifestyle is destroying the world when you go outside?”

They never have an answer for it.

They just are afraid to reject it.

They want to believe.

I mean, even some friends of mine. They want to believe in source authorities. They want to believe people are not lying to them. That’s one of the toughest things about dealing with liberalism that you run up against is people want to believe people in positions of power. They want to believe the president. Of all people, they want to believe the president. They don’t want to consider the president may be phony, a liar, a saboteur. They just don’t even want to contemplate it. But when I get into my religious belief as that is what informs me of my opposition to global warming, that’s where I learn how — I don’t know, what’s the word — irreligious people are. See, if I could go through this very briefly, I believe this a loving God. I believe in the God of creation. I believe the story of creation, as an allegorical story.

I do not believe, put very simply, that God could create human beings and not provide for them mechanisms whereby they can strive to live longer, to live happier, to live healthier. I believe in the loving God of creation that provides all of these things of beauty and substance and opportunity which permit one species, the human race, to harness as much as we can, and we are forever trying to harness more.

We were created to do so. We are as much a part of nature as any other living organism or species. We are not violating nature by using what God created in us to improve our lives, to improve the lives of as many others as we can. We have definitions of how we improve lives, standard of living, prosperity, contentment, happiness, pursuit of happiness, all of this I believe is the product of creation of a loving God, and I just can’t intellectually believe that a loving God would create such beauty and substance and opportunity, that if exploiting it — and I don’t mean in a negative sense — by examination, experimentation, by living our lives and trying to improve them, that we destroy what has been created for us. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

I can’t come to grips intellectually with the idea that the way we live our lives — and I don’t have any doubt that the Western civilization lifestyle provides the best opportunity, the best chance for humanity on this entire planet. And yet every day I’m pummeled with the charge, with the allegation that all of us who are simply trying to provide for ourselves and our families, we’re trying to better our communities, we are trying to improve the future for our children, I just can’t accept that the process of doing all of that leads to the destruction of all that has been created for us. I don’t think we have the power. I don’t think we have the power to destroy this. Even if we nuked it, it’s still here. We are gone. Life is still here in some shape, manner or form. And the whole process will start all over again.

But we’re not talking about nukes. Nobody in the global warming movement is accusing us of global warming by using nuclear weapons. I’m using the most extreme example I can. If you really want to destroy the planet, that’s the best we could do. We don’t know how to do anything else, other than nuke everything. That’s the further advanced weaponry we’ve got. They have been used a couple of times, and the places they have been are in fine shape. They were not ultimately forever destroyed, Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Chernobyl, plant accident. But to me the evidence is all around us and is abundant that, despite our efforts in many cases, standards of living improve.

I just have never been able to come to grips — throw the religion out, if it makes you uncomfortable. I just can’t come to grips with the idea that the only people responsible for climate change happen to be capitalistic related Western civilization industrialized countries, especially when you look at pollution and the messes that we make here and how far advanced we are in cleaning them up than in poverty stricken, poverty-ridden areas, depressed areas of the world. Where there is poverty there is pestilence and pollution and filth and misery. And where there is poverty, there is usually dictatorship or tyranny of some kind. There is socialism, communism, some sort of ism that denies the individual liberty and freedom that we in this country have.

I believe in the basic goodness of most human beings and the goodness of most human beings leads to the betterment of life for everybody. And I just can’t come to grips with doing that destroying the planet. And yet that’s what they tell us every day. Frankly, I resent it. I intellectually resent the idea that people trying to improve every aspect — we have people trying to clean up messes emit as little pollution as we can. And in a capitalistic society, people are gonna do that on their own, contrary to what critics will say. They will say that a free people living in a capitalistic system are selfish and greedy and don’t care about the messes they make, because they don’t care about other people. It takes a governing authority somewhere in a distant capital where only the people there have the correct answers of compassion and so forth. Yet when you take a look at what those people do in that distant capital you see mess after mess after mess that gets worse and worse and worse. And they continue to be the ones called on to clean up each mess that they make, and it progressively gets worse and worse and worse and we have a cycle. Create the mess, fix the mess, mess gets bigger, come in, create it because some reason they are judged to be the only ones who can fix it.

Yet people not involved in that bureaucracy, not involved in that distant capital, people living among themselves who have the authority and the power have clean neighborhoods, have clean cities, because it’s what they want, and they have the freedom and the means and the prosperity to do it. You run around the world where there’s poverty, pestilence, disease, what’s missing is the ability to clean up any of those messes because there isn’t the means, the license the prosperity, there isn’t the freedom, there isn’t the capitulation, there isn’t the know-how.

All there is in those places is the desire to get out, and where do they want to go? Right here. Somehow, some way, some reason they want to come here to the home of climate destruction? Really? The car you drive, the air that you exhale, the soft drinks that you drink, whatever you eat and consume, cars, cows farting and belching is causing climate destruction, we’re supposed to intellectually just accept it? I’m sorry, I can’t.