Tag: Employment
Clarification Of Hiring Lingo
Competitive Salary – We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join Our Fast-Paced Company – We have no time to train you.
Casual Work Atmosphere – We don’t pay you enough to expect that you will dress up.
Must Be Deadline Oriented – You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some Overtime Required – Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Duties Will Vary – Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must Have An Eye For Detail – We have no quality control.
Career-Minded – Female applicants must be childless (and stay that way).
Apply In Person – If you’re fat, old, or ugly, you will be told the position has been filled.
No Phone Calls Please – We already have someone for the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety of Experience – You will need it to replace three people who have just left.
Problem Solving Skills A Must – You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires Team Leadership Skills – You will have the responsibilities of a manager; without the pay or respect.
Good Communication Skills – Management communicates; you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.
Translations Of Help Wanted Ads
Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You’ll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in your future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make “cold calls” on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.
Joke Of The Day: Overworked
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For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes. |
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