Tag: Emails

Jokes

Joke(s) Of The Day: And That’s How The Fight Started…..

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered. I then said,

‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…
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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,

“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started…
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started…
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started…

Amusing

Riding a Dead Horse

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Visiting other sites to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Re-classifying the dead horse as “living, impaired”.

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Attempting to mount multiple dead horses in hopes that one of them will spring to life.

11. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.

12. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.

13. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

14. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.

15. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Amusing

The Age of Insanity

How’s this for apocalyptic literature. This was written by a pastor’s wife in biblical prose as a commentary of current events. It is brilliant.

And it came to pass in the Age of Insanity that the people of the land called America , having lost their morals, their initiative, and their will to defend their liberties, chose as their Supreme Leader that person known as “The One.”

He emerged from the vapors with a message that had no meaning; but He hypnotized the people telling them, “I am sent to save you.” My lack of experience, my questionable ethics, my monstrous ego, and my association with evil doers are of no consequence. I shall save you with hope and Change. Go, therefore, and proclaim throughout the land that he who proceeded me is evil, that he has defiled the nation, and that all he has built must be destroyed. And the people rejoiced, for even though they knew not what “The One” would do, he had promised that it was good; and they believed. And “The One” said ” We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change everything about it!” And the people said, “Hallelujah! Change is good!”

Then He said, “We are going to tax the rich fat-cats.” And the people said “Sock it to them!” “And redistribute their wealth.” And the people said, “Show us the money!” And the he said, ” redistribution of wealth is good for everybody.”

And Joe the plumber asked, ” Are you kidding me? You’re going to steal my money and give it to the deadbeats??” And “The One” ridiculed and taunted him, and Joe’s personal records were hacked and publicized. One lone reporter asked, “Isn’t that Marxist policy?” And she was banished from the kingdom!

Then a citizen asked, “With no foreign relations experience and having zero military experience or knowledge, how will deal with radical terrorists?” And “The One” said, “Simple. I shall sit with them and talk with them and show them how nice we really are; and they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!” And the people said, “Hallelujah!! We are safe at last, and we can beat our weapons into free cars for the people!”

Then “The One” said “I shall give 95% of you lower taxes.” And one, lone voice said, “But 40% of us don’t pay ANY taxes.” So “The One” said, “Then I shall give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!” And the people said, “Hallelujah! Show us the money!” Then “The One” said, “I shall tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!” And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed. And He said.. “I shall mandate employer-funded health care for every worker and raise the minimum wage. And I shall give every person unlimited healthcare and medicine and transportation to the clinics.” And the people said, “Give me some of that!” Then he said, “I shall penalize employers who ship jobs overseas.” And the people said, “Where’s my rebate check?”

Then “The One” said, “I shall bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!” And the people said, “Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don’t care for that part about higher electric rates.” So “The One” said, Not to worry. If your rebate isn’t enough to cover your expenses, we shall bail you out. Just sign up with the ACORN and you troubles are over!”

Then He said, “Illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let’s grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing…” And the people said, “Hallelujah!” and they made him king!

And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy sank like unto a rock dropped from a cliff. The banking industry was destroyed. Manufacturing slowed to a crawl. And more of the people were without a means of support.

Then “The One” said, “I am the “the One”- The Messiah – and I’m here to save you! We shall just print more money so everyone will have enough!” But our foreign trading partners said unto Him. “Wait a minute. Your dollar is not worth a pile of camel dung! You will have to pay more… And “The One” said, “Wait a minute. That is unfair!!” And the world said, “Neither are these other idiotic programs you have embraced. Lo, you have become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you shall play by our rules!”

And the people cried out, “Alas, alas!! What have we done?” But yea verily, it was too late. The people set upon The One and spat upon him and stoned him, and his name was dung. And the once mighty nation was no more; and the once proud people were without sustenance or shelter or hope. And the Change “The One” had given them was as like unto a poison that had destroyed them and like a whirlwind that consumed all that they had built.

And the people beat their chests in despair and cried out in anguish, “give us back our nation and our pride and our hope!!” But it was too late, and their homeland was no more.

You may think this a fairy tale, but it’s not. It’s happening RIGHT NOW!

Amusing

Word of the Day: Dhimmitude

Need something to get your blood boiling?

Has anyone heard of this new word? Dhimmitude?

Amish and other religious groups may be exempt from forced purchase of healthcare policies under Obama care.

You know what other groups this could include? Muslims and Christian Scientists may be exempt from having to have government healthcare.

Word of the Day: Dhimmitude

There is an exemption for “certain religious groups” in the Health Care Bill. Obama supporters check it out yourself.

Type Dhimmitude into Google and start reading.

Note that Muslims and certain other religions are exempt from the Obamacare penalties and it is supported by law.

We are surrendering from within! The prez is leading us right down the path to total Muslim control and you should care! Now the truth comes out.

Dhimmitude is the Muslim system of controlling non-Muslim populations conquered through jihad. Specifically, it is the TAXING of non-Muslims in exchange for tolerating their presence AND as a coercive means of converting conquered remnants to Islam.

The ObamaCare bill is the establishment of Dhimmitude and Sharia Muslim diktat in the United States.

Muslims may be specifically exempted from the government mandate to purchase insurance, and also from the penalty tax for being uninsured. Islam considers insurance to be “gambling”, “risk-taking” and “usury” and is thus banned. Muslims may be specifically granted exemption based on this.

How convenient. So I, John Smith, as a Christian, will have crippling IRS liens placed against all of my assets, including real estate, cattle, cars and etc. and even accounts receivables, and will face hard prison time because I refuse to buy insurance or pay the penalty tax. Meanwhile, Louis Farrakhan will have no such penalty and will have 100% of his health needs paid for by the de facto government insurance at our expense. Non-Muslims will be paying a tax to subsidize Muslims. Period. This is Dhimmitude.

Dhimmitude serves two purposes: it enriches the Muslim masters AND serves to drive conversions to Islam. In this case, the incentive to convert to Islam will be taken up by those in the inner-cities as well as the godless Generation X, Y and Z types who have no moral anchor or belief in God!

If you don’t believe in Christ to begin with, it is no problem whatsoever to sell Him for 30 pieces of silver. “Sure, I’ll be a Muslim if it means free health insurance and no taxes. Where do I sign, brother?” Now all you Obama voters get in line for your free stuff!…However, I suggest you don’t hold your breath!…

I recommend sending this email to all your contacts. This is desperately important and people need to know about it and what the past election has done to all of us!

P.S. Have you heard about the summit Obama is holding in DC for the future Muslim business leaders in the US? He wants to increase their ability to begin business opportunities in the US for the Muslim community!

Better start looking for a country that doesn’t cater to the Muslims. . . . Australia doesn’t. . . . because this country will be overrun by Muslims like Europe is currently experiencing.

And you thought our problem was the Mexicans!

Amusing

Of Mosques and Men: Reflections on the Ground Zero Mosque

Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, of the Islamic Cultural Center of New York (currently the largest mosque and Islamic cultural center in Manhattan) is planning an Islamic community center and mosque near Ground Zero says his critics are bigots and the project will stamp out terrorism – not fan the flames.

This mosque will cost more than US$ 100 million, and by now, tons of money is already being shifted in the fund for this construction. Interestingly, major segment of this money is coming from Arab nations especially Saudis.

Since September 11th, 2001, a number of controversial statements came from at least two of the centers leaders, both of them blaming the Jewish population for the attacks and denying any muslim involvement.

Originally reported as a 15 story center of islamic learning, perhaps each floor will honor one of the Saudi martyrs who “died to defend islam” on 9-11 and the final design will likely include 4 minarets, each to honor the remaining 4 martyrs who “died for islam” on that day.

Rauf, is on record as telling CNN, right after the 9/11 attacks, “U.S. policies were an accessory to the crime that happened. We [the U.S.] have been an accessory to a lot of innocent lives dying in the world. Osama bin Laden was made in the USA.”

Elsewhere, Rauf has stated that terrorism will end only when the West acknowledges the harm it has done to Muslims. And that it was Christians who started mass attacks on civilians.

Interesting that Christians started “mass attacks on civilains” apparently referring to the Crusades which ran from 1095 until 1291 with the fall of Arce. Rauf apparently does not think that the Muslim Invasion of Spain in 710 or the two invasion of France resulted in any “mass attacks on civilians” because Islam is a “peaceful religion.”

Let’s see, leaders of the “peaceful religion of islam” invade Spain in 710 and give the Spanish people three choices, convert to islam, death by the sword or subjugation, the dhimmitude.

What Muslims call “tolerance,” others would correctly call sanctioned institutionalized discrimination. The consignment of Jews and Christians to dhimmis under Islamic rule means that they are not allowed the same religious rights and freedoms as Muslims. They cannot share their faith, for example, or build houses of worship without permission.

Historically, dhimmis have often had to wear distinguishing clothing or cut their hair in a particular manner that indicates their position of inferiority and humiliation. They do not share the same legal rights as Muslims, and must even pay a poll tax (the jizya). They are to be killed or have their children taken from them if they cannot satisfy the tax collector’s requirements.

Then, after coverting, killing and subjugating their way across Spain, the “peaceful followers of islum” decide to invade France, what followed was the First Muslim Invasion of France in 721, led by al-Samh ibn Malik and his force of 375,000 Arabs, which was defeated at the Battle of Toulouse by Duke Odo of Aquitaine. This defeat cost the muslims most of their army and they returned to Spain.

In 732, the Second Muslim Invasion of France, led by Abdul Rahman Al Ghafiqi and his force of 80,000 Arabs, which sacked the city of Bordeaux and defeated an army led by Duke Odo of Aquitaine, at the Battle of the River Garonne. The Second Invasion come to grief when it engaged the an army led by Charles “the Hammer” Martel at the Battle of Tours. After the loss of Rahman, who was killed during the fighting, the Muslims retreated during the night, abandoning their camp, taking only the plunder (from looting) they could carry and returned to Spain. After being defeated twice in 11 years, the muslims lost interest in France and consolidated their power in Spain.

Starting in around 800, Christians would invade Spain to free it from Muslim rule or enslavement. this process would take almost 700 years, until 1492 and the signing of the Treaty of Granada for Spain to be freed from Muslim rule.

Apparently neither the Muslim Invasion and Subjugation or enslavement of Spain that began in 710 or the Two Muslim Invasion of France count as “mass attacks on civilians.” The fact that the Crusades were a series of defensive wars launched by the Christian West following the invasions of Spain and France.

Why let a little history get in the way of your lie?

Source…

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