Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the ” Chrysler Beagle”?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello”.
8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table .
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
ONE
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time… I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
TWO
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
THREE
When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?
FOUR
When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
FIVE
When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” No, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the floor.
SIX
People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
SEVEN
When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
EIGHT
When people say “life is short”. What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that’s longer?
NINE
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
TEN
People who say things like ‘My eyes aren’t what they used to be’. So what did they used to be? Ears!
ELEVEN
When you’re eating something and someone asks ‘Is that nice?’ No it’s really revolting – I always eat stuff I hate.
TWELVE
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that’s an image I really didn’t need.
THIRTEEN
McDonald’s staff who pretend they don’t understand you unless you insert the ‘Mc’ before the item you are ordering…. It’s has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks… Well, I’ll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McIdiot.
FOURTEEN
When you involved in a accident and someone asks ‘are you alright?’ Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off!
FIFTEEN
When people say ‘Can I borrow a piece of paper I’ll pay you back’ It’s one god damn piece of paper you moron, I don’t want it back!
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.
The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”
The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”
The older lady said that she was right — our generation didn’t have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain:
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling’s. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.
We walked upstairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working, so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing”. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.
A DOG’S LETTER TO GOD:
