Tag: Drunks

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Drunk On A Cruise

Rubber Chicken A drunk goes on a cruise, and, having taken full advantage of the Alcohol Package, stumbles out on deck at night, trips, and falls overboard. Eventually he washes up on a deserted island. In the morning, after sleeping it off for a few hours, he wanders the beach aimlessly, kicking at the debris, until he kicks a bottle, out of which pops a Genie.

The genie says, “You’re in luck! I can grant you three wishes.”

The drunk says, “Okay, I want a bottle of booze that never gets empty.”

Poof, the bottle appears.

The drunk tries enthusiastically to see if he can empty the bottle, but every time he takes it from his lips to check the level of booze in the bottle, it’s still full.

The Genie, getting a bit impatient, says, “You still have two wishes left! Don’t waste them!”

The drunk replies, “Okay, I want two more bottles just like this one!”

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: A Jigsaw Puzzle

Rubber ChickenTwo drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other “professor,” and generally causing quite a stir.

When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them 2 months!

“TWO MONTHS?!” cried the bartender. “That’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t take that long!”

“Oh yeah?” says one drunk. “The box said 2-4 YEARS!”

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Drunks

Rubber ChickenTwo drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.

His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”

The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”

“Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.

“I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.

“Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”

“Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”

“That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. “You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the patch.”

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: The Greatest Racehorse That Ever Lived

Rubber ChickenTwo rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. After about two hours the first racehorse says “You know…. when I was a young racehorse…from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds…. I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived….blah blah blah…”

In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded, “Oh yeah…when I was a young racehorse…from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds…. I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived…. blah blah blah…”

Now it was about this time that the bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunk enough so he said, “I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds.”

The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, “Isn’t that amazing (hic)…a talking greyhound!”

 

 

Funny Jokes

The Homily

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples,not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated,not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”

12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub,yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St Taffy’s.
 

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