Joke Of The Day: The Pessimist

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Nov 132013
 

Rubber ChickenAn optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.

The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Winning Back Middle America

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Nov 072013
 
Rubber Chicken Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, “Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!”

“Great Nancy, but how?” asked Harry.

“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard-working people living there.”

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?”

“Yes we are!” said Nancy, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color.”

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”

“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!”

 

 

How To Of The Day: De-Skunk Your Dog

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Oct 292013
 

If your dog gets sprayed by a skunk, you can remove the stench with a simple bit of chemistry.

The video was produced by Sally B. Mitchell, a chemistry teacher from East Syracuse Minoa High School in Syracuse, NY. It turns out that tomato juice is not the best way to de-skunk your dog — watch the video to find out more!

 

Oct 272013
 

Here’s a very touching video about Skidboot, probably the smartest dog anywhere. Get your tissues ready!

The Amazing Skidboot is the smartest dog you’ll ever see. He gained worldwide fame with his tricks, but had to give up performing once he started going blind.

Skidboot died in 2007, but David Hartwig continues to perform with several of Skidboot’s offspring.

 

Joke Of The Day: Eligible For Welfare

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Oct 142013
 

Rubber ChickenThis morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible for welfare.”

So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their dads are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks on Friday.

Damn, this is a great country!