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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either!”
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The little girl’s dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.” “Then we can go now, Mom. I’m half Jewish.”
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Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
Incense: Holy Smoke!
Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
Jonah: The original “Jaws” story.
Justice: When your children have kids of their own.
Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.
Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Manger:
1 – Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
2 – The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.
Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
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During a Papal audience, a businessman approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken” and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope shook his head and said no to the offer. Two weeks later the businessman approached the Pope again, this time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, and this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announces his decision. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.” |
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An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, “Son, it’s time for you to get me a Protestant minister.”
The son is astounded. “But, Dad!” he protests, “You’ve been a good Catholic all you life! You’re delirious. It’s a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister.” The old man looks up at him and says, “Son, please. It’s me last request. Get a minister for me!” “But, Dad,” cries the son, “Ye raised me a good Catholic. You’ve been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don’t want a minister at a time like this!” The old man manages to croak out the words, “Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you’ll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now.” The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O’Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. “I’m afraid you’re too late, Father,” he says. “He’s a Protestant now.” Father O’Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man’s room. “Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?” he cries. “You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary’s together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?” “Well,” the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. “I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*.” |