A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy’s in New York City. He tells the saleslady, I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, What kind of bra?
He repeated A Jewish bra. She said to tell you she wanted a Jewish bra and you would know what she wanted.
Ah, now I remember, said the saleslady. We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked So, what are the differences?
The saleslady responded. It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.
He mused on that information for a minute and said: Hmmm. I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?
A Jewish bra, she replied, makes mountains out of molehills.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe’s Latin wasn’t very good – in fact, he knew very little–but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.” “And then?” asked a woman. “I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”
Father Joseph went up to Father Patrick one afternoon and said, “I am sick of all this clean living. Tonight let’s you and me go out and party. We’ll carouse, drink, whatever we want.”
Patrick was shocked. “Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn’t, they would see our clothes and know we were priests.”
Joe was ready for this. “Don’t be silly. We won’t stay in town, we’ll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we’ll dress just like anyone else.”
In the end, he managed to persuade Patrick, and they went out that night and partied like professionals.
When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Patrick’s face became pale. “I just thought of something,” he said. “We have to confess this.”
Again, Joe was ready. “Relax, I told you I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I’ll go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I’ll absolve you.”
Patrick was amazed at Joe’s brilliance.
So Joseph went in later that morning and said, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we’re both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, and danced to wicked music.”
Patrick answered, “God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys, and you will be absolved of your sin.”
A while later, their places were reversed as Patrick came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered,
“I don’t believe this. And you dare to call yourself a priest?
You will do 500 Our Fathers, 500 Hail Marys, donate all your money to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God’s forgiveness. Then come back and we’ll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees.”
“What? ” Father Patrick was shocked. “What about our agreement?”
Joe replied, “Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously.”
A man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and he went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’
Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’
The man said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’
Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy’s in New York City. He tells the saleslady, I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.