Tag: Australia

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Perfect Match

Rubber Chicken A woman of 75 years who had never married in her life, had just one ambition. To get married and lose her virginity. She was a wealthy woman with all good things in life at her disposal.

Somehow, she never got around to get married but she wanted to do it now. She had only one condition – she wanted a man who had never done it, just like herself.

She advertised all over the world looking for that perfect match and finally was able to locate a young guy from Australia.

They got married, and she took him to her mansion. While she was getting ready for the night, she heard some loud noises from the adjacent room. When she went to the other room to investigate, she found that all the furniture in the rooms had been moved to the corners.

She asked her new husband, “What are you doing, my dear?”

He replied, “Madam, I have never done it with a woman in my life, but in case it is similar to doing it to a kangaroo, I am gonna need a lot of room!”

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Australian Court Docket

Rubber Chicken A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man (who was about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,

‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.

But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident!’ ……I just lost it.”

“CASE DISMISSED!”

 

 

Funny Jokes

Australia Q&A

The questions below about Australia are supposedly true, and are from an Australian tourism website. The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure. It’s only three thousand miles, so take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No — WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: The World Women’s Conference

Rubber Chicken At the 2014 World Women’s Conference the first speaker from England stood up:
“At last years’ conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up:
“After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well.”

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up:
“After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”

 

 

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