Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, over sized penises.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”
“No sir, our mother.”
“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”
The U.S. Army is banking on it. It’s licensed an official fragrance called “Patton” by Parfumologie.
This is a funny way to brand your cologne. Despite Patton’s accomplishments at the Battle of the Bulge and in the North African campaign, and his rep as a master strategist, Patton was known as an impulsive and humorless eccentric who loved to curse and quite famously gave a shell shocked soldier a pep talk using his pimp hand.
And what would induce the armed forces to monetize its image alongside Mariah Carey (“Lollipop Bling”), Avril Lavigne (“Hidden Rose”) and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino (“The Sitch”)?
Um, it’s for the vets? It’s advertised as donating “a percentage” of its proceeds to the VA and the services. What does that mean?
The other services are in on this too, with “The American Line” by Parfumologie. On the office schwag table, we have Air Force’s “Stealth,” which smells inappropriately earthy. The Marines’ “Devil Dog” just made our nostrils burn.
Patton we don’t have, but the name conjures the smell of an old leather satchel, North Africa, the inside of a World War I tank, and beatings.
It’s advertised as a woodsy blend of lavender, citrus, coconut, cedar, sage, tonka bean, bergamot, lime, and the ad copy says it will “elicit feelings of majestic woodlands and endless horizons.”
Some guy on Amazon with a bunch of arrow tips on his wish list says “the smell is great.”
“It has a backwoods, masculine scent that evokes memories of LandNav courses and ruck marches (if you could add a hint of cordite, it’d be right on the spot). My girlfriend adores the smell, and a lot of people ask what it is when I wear it,” he says. (I can’t tell if he’s joking.)
So, what are you waiting for, soldier? Slap some on, hit the club and conduct some offensive operations.
Short story about U.S. Army Special Forces operators training alongside Indian Army special forces during joint exercise Yudh Abyas at Ft. Richardson, Alaska. First place winner of the Department of Defense “Military Videographer of the Year” (MILVID) competition in the “Best Documentary” category.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. 
