A woman is in a pet shop looking for a protector for her home. She sees a variety of animals from talking birds, to Pitbulls and even exotic cats. Being well off, she decides to ask the shopkeep what the best available was.
“Ah! Yes, you must be interested in Rupert!” the shopkeep says excitedly with a massive grin.
The shopkeep guides the woman over to a small cage in the back corner of the shop, covered with a white blanket. When the shopkeep removes the blanket, she is shocked to see that Rupert is a VERY tiny wiener dog, more skin than meat.
“Ah! Before you say anything. I know what you’re thinking – but trust me, Rupert is completely worth the asking price. Let me demonstrate.”
The shopkeep opens the cage and lifts Rupert out by the scruff, setting him on the counter.
“Rupert! The chair.”
In the blink of an eye, Rupert devours the chair whole.
“Rupert! The table.”
In an equally swift chomp, Rupert devours the table.
The woman, now completely verklempt, hands the shopkeep the exorbitant asking price for Rupert. Confident her husband will be impressed with what she’s found, the woman rushes home with her new domicile protector.
She was hoping to sneak Rupert inside and demonstrate for her husband how special Rupert is. Unfortunately, he was in the garage as she pulled in and noticed Rupert laying in the back seat. “Honey… what’s this?” Her husband inquires, giving Rupert a befuddled thrice over.
“This is Rupert. Our new guard dog!” She exclaims. Before she could explain further, her husband, tears in his eyes from laughing, bellows:
Long ago, in the town of Puzzola, lived a middle-aged man named Earl. Earl was no ordinary fellow; he had a peculiar companion that most adults couldn’t boast of – an imaginary friend named Randy.
Randy had been with Earl ever since he was a child. While most imaginary friends grew up and faded into the annals of memory, Randy had not only stuck around but had developed quite the quirk. He had an uncontrollable flatulence problem, and boy, did he make sure everyone knew it!
On a typical day in Puzzola, Earl strolled through the town square, his imaginary friend by his side. Randy was invisible to everyone except Earl, so passersby couldn’t understand why Earl would randomly burst into laughter or make strange gestures. To them, he looked like the town’s goofball.
Earl and Randy’s adventures were nothing short of hilarious. They visited the local library, where Earl pretended to read serious books, only to burst into fits of giggles every time Randy let out a rip-roaring toot that sounded like a trumpet.
Next, they headed to Puzzola’s quaint café, where they ordered a round of coffee and muffins. Earl couldn’t help but chuckle at his friend’s invisible antics, like moving chairs or making napkins float through the air, while letting out the loudest, most comical farts.
As they walked through the park, Earl’s laughter became infectious, and soon, a group of kids began to follow them, laughing uproariously without knowing why. Earl and Randy had turned an ordinary day into a sidesplitting comedy show.
The highlight of the day was a visit to the Puzzola Museum of Art. While Earl admired the priceless paintings, Randy took it upon himself to add a touch of absurdity to each exhibit. He made abstract, interpretive “fart art” in the galleries, which left Earl in stitches. When Earl noticed the museum security guards frantically sniffing the air, he couldn’t contain his laughter.
Earl and Randy’s shenanigans were the talk of Puzzola. People couldn’t decide if Earl was a genius comedian or just a little crazy. But everyone agreed that life in the town had become a lot funnier since Randy’s arrival.
However, it wasn’t all fun and games. Earl occasionally had to apologize to serious-minded individuals who were less amused by Randy’s antics. Yet, his infectious laughter and disarming charm won over most people.
As the sun began to set over Puzzola, Earl and Randy found themselves at the local comedy club. The audience was in for a treat, as Earl stepped on stage and introduced his invisible friend. The entire crowd was in stitches, laughing so hard that tears streamed down their faces.
Earl knew that life with an imaginary friend like Randy was far from ordinary. It was a life filled with laughter, joy, and a bit of embarrassment. But in a world where serious matters often dominated, their humorous escapades brought a breath of fresh air, or should we say, a gust of fresh air.
And so, in Puzzola, where normal was overrated, Earl and Randy proved that even adults could have the most unusual, hilarious companions, and that a good laugh could make life a lot better. Even with a little flatulence thrown in for good measure.
Many years later, Earl, at the ripe age of 98, passed away peacefully in his sleep. He left behind a lifetime of laughter and unforgettable memories. But for Randy, life took a poignant turn. With Earl’s departure, Randy was left to live alone in a world where no one could hear his farts, and the world suddenly seemed a little less colorful, a little less fragrant, and a lot less funny.
One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“Pulverized willow bark,” replied her fairy godmother.
“What happened to the carpet?” she asked.
“The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,” came the response.
Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fiber bristles.
“Your old toothbrush?” noted her godmother, “Also nylon.”
“Where’s the water?” asked Greta.
“Down the road in the canal,” replied her godmother, “Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it”
“Why’s there no running water?” Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.
“Well,” said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, “Where do we begin?” There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how it’s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and that’s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Sweden’s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and…
“What’s for breakfast?” interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.
“Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,” replied her godmother. “Raw.”
“How so, raw?” inquired Greta.
“Well,” And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans. In the end, Greta was educated about how you can’t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.
“But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,” lamented Greta.
“Tilda died this morning,” the godmother explained. “Bacterial pneumonia.”
“What?!” interjected Greta. “No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.”
“Not anymore,” explained godmother “The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because there’s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums can’t really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing — being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.”
This represents only a fraction of Greta’s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon fiber boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.
Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.
We’ve all heard the age-old saying, “You’re a chip off the old block.” But have you ever really stopped to ponder the fascinating quirks and qualities that have been passed down through your family tree? If you thought your genetic inheritance was just about blue eyes or a penchant for spicy food, think again! Today, we’re looking into the wacky world of traits that you didn’t even realize came from your dear old Mom and Dad. Prepare to be amazed, amused, and perhaps a little horrified.
The Thrifty Thumb
Remember how your mom used to wash and reuse ziplock bags? Well, if you’re known for pinching pennies or have a knack for thriftiness, you can tip your hat to dear old mom. That’s right; the gene for frugality often comes from the maternal side of the family. If you’ve ever debated whether it’s worth washing that aluminum foil, you’ve got your mom to thank for your eco-friendly, money-saving ways.
Papa’s Palate
Dad’s barbecuing skills might be legendary, but did you know that your gourmet taste buds might be a result of your paternal lineage? Studies suggest that your love for perfectly grilled steaks or a finely aged wine could be attributed to your dad’s impeccable palate. So the next time you savor a five-course meal, you know whom to credit (and invite for dinner).
Mom’s Musical Magic
Are you the family DJ, forever curating the perfect playlist for every occasion? If so, you might be channeling your inner musical genius from your maternal side. Mom’s love for catchy tunes and her humming habit could be the reason you have an uncanny knack for recognizing that earworm before anyone else.
Dad’s Dance Moves
On the flip side, if you’re famous for your not-so-graceful dance steps, you can thank your old man for your distinct lack of rhythm. Dad’s quirky moves might have been passed on to you, resulting in the spectacle you create on the dance floor. But remember, it’s all in good fun, so go ahead and embrace your dad’s “unique” style.
The Coffee Gene
Are you known as the caffeine queen or king in your family? If you can’t start your day without a cup of joe, you can thank your mom for passing on her love for coffee. That morning ritual of sipping coffee is a delightful tradition that’s been in your family for generations. Coffee addicts, unite!
Dad’s Farting Finesse
If you’ve ever been in awe of your dad’s ability to produce an impressive array of sound effects through flatulence, you might have inherited his “gift.” Dad’s mastery of the art of farting can be handed down through the generations, so embrace your gaseous legacy, and let it rip!
Mom’s Green Thumb
Do you have a knack for nurturing houseplants, coaxing them to flourish and thrive? Your maternal side might have something to do with your green thumb. Mom’s love for gardening and her ability to make plants bloom is a gift she’s passed down to you. Next time you’re repotting a plant, remember to thank your mom for your horticultural skills.
Dad’s DIY Prowess
If you’re the family handyman or handywoman, don’t be surprised if you find yourself channelling your inner Mr. Fix-It. Dad’s DIY skills, whether it’s building a bookshelf or fixing a leaky faucet, have likely rubbed off on you. So, the next time you’re assembling furniture or tackling home improvement projects, you’re essentially carrying on a family tradition.
The Gift of Gab
If you’ve got the gift of gab and the ability to strike up a conversation with just about anyone, you might owe your conversational prowess to your maternal lineage. Mom’s legendary ability to chat with the checkout clerk, the neighbor, and even the mail carrier has found its way to you. You’ve got her charm and charisma to thank for your social success.
Dad’s Driving Dilemmas
Have you ever found yourself arguing with the GPS, convinced that you know a shortcut to beat the traffic? Well, you’ve got your dad for your stubborn navigation gene to thank for that. Dad’s refusal to admit he’s lost or ask for directions has been bequeathed to you, along with the adventurous (and sometimes misguided) spirit of exploration.
Mom’s Organization Obsession
If your closet is color-coded, your desk is a model of precision, and your spice rack is alphabetized, your mother’s organizational genes have undoubtedly influenced your life. Mom’s love for order and her need for a tidy home have been imprinted in your DNA. You’re the living embodiment of Marie Kondo.
Dad’s Sweet Tooth
Are you powerless in the face of a gooey chocolate cake or a decadent slice of pie? If you inherited your insatiable sweet tooth from your dad, he’s the culprit behind those midnight ice cream raids. Blame it on his love for dessert, and indulge your sugar cravings without guilt.
Mom’s Masterchef Moves
If you’ve mastered the art of preparing a gourmet meal out of random leftovers, you might have your mom’s creative cooking genes to thank. Her ability to whip up a delicious dinner from whatever’s in the fridge has clearly rubbed off on you. Bon appétit!
Dad’s Dubious Dance with Technology
Do you find yourself befuddled by the latest gadgets, struggling to set up the Wi-Fi or get the TV remote to work? You can point your finger at your dad for your tech troubles. Dad’s perennial battle with technology and his refusal to read instruction manuals have been transmitted to you. So, don’t feel bad about calling tech support for the umpteenth time.
Mom’s Meticulous Memory
If you have an uncanny ability to remember birthdays, anniversaries, and the most obscure details of your family’s history, you’re channeling your inner mom. Her meticulous memory and attention to detail have helped you become the family historian and event planner extraordinaire.
Dad’s DIY Quirks
Is your garage filled with half-finished projects and a myriad of tools that you’re not entirely sure how to use? If so, your dad’s DIY quirks have become your own. His love for starting projects and the occasional procrastination are now a part of your creative process.
So there you have it, a whimsical whirlwind tour of the quirks and qualities you might not have realized you inherited from your parents. From your frugal tendencies to your musical inclinations, your family’s genetic legacy runs deeper than you think. Embrace the humor in these genetic gifts, and remember, whether you’re dancing like nobody’s watching, cracking dad jokes, or even making some unexpected sounds, you’re simply paying homage to your family roots. So, the next time you catch yourself doing something quirky, just blame it on Mom and Dad – they’d be proud!
The world economy ensures there are no weapons at all. A man signs up for his country’s army. He gets to training camp. The sergeant hands him a piece of wood shaped like a rifle, with a rubber bayonet on the end.
“Right, men! This is the new war tactics. You point your rifle at the enemy and say ‘bangety bang’! You poke your bayonet at the enemy and say ‘stabbity stab’”! The soldiers look at each other and shrug – WTH?
Days later, the men are sent to a battlefield. The enemy is massed on the other side – they too have wooden rifles with rubber bayonets. They start walking towards each other. The lines meet – the soldiers start pretend shooting and bayoneting. The words ‘bangety bang and stabbity stab’ ring out. Amazingly, men on both sides die in their thousands!!
Finally, amidst the corpses, our hero stands, stunned by all this. Suddenly, he sees a single unarmed enemy soldier walking slowly towards him across the bodies. As he gets close to him, the soldier uses his weapon – ‘bangety bang, stabbity stab’.
Nothing happens!!
The enemy soldier simply knocks over our hero, and walks slowly over him.
