60 above: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. People in Maine plant gardens.
50 above: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Maine sunbathe.
40 above: Italian & English cars won’t start. People in Maine drive with the windows down.
32 above: Distilled water freezes. Moosehead Lake’s water gets thicker.
20 above: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats. People in Maine throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Maine have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
0 degrees: People in Miami all die… Mainers lick the flagpole.
20 below: Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Maine get out their winter coats.
40 below: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Maine are selling cookies door to door.
60 below: Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Maine’s Boy Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below: Mt. St. Helen’s freezes. People in Maine rent some videos.
100 below: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Maine-iacs get frustrated because they can’t thaw the keg.
297 below: Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Maine complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Maine start saying….”Cold ’nuff for ya?” (answer: “ayuh”)
