Joke Of The Day: Fixing A Flat

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Jun 142015
 
Rubber Chicken A guy discovered that he had a flat tire and pulled to the curb. He realized that he had stopped in front of the local mental health sanitarium when a patient ambled up to the fence and began teasing him.

He ignored the patient’s catcalls and insults while he carefully took each lug nut off and placed it in the hubcap as he removed the tire. While trying to install the spare, he inadvertently knocked the hubcap, which spilled the lugs and all five nuts fell into the nearby storm sewer, falling beyond his reach.

The patient howled with laughter as the guy, at the end of his patience, began to vent about being stuck there until a tow truck could arrive. The patient told him, “I can help you.”

The guy glared at him and said, “Sure you can.”

The patient said, “No, really, I can help.”

The guy reluctantly asked how. The deranged patient then said, “Take one nut off of the other three tires and put the spare on with three lugs. Then you can safely drive to a garage for the other nuts and get your tire fixed.”

The guy thanked him and asked, “How did a guy like you ever think that one up?”

To which the asylum patient replied, “Well, I’m just crazy, not stupid!”

 

 

The Water In The Glass

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Jun 132015
 

The Water In The GlassA well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass were in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, “What did your mother say about the glass?”

The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts: one a colorless, odorless liquid; the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus, the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn’t have enough ice in it.

 

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