Things A Southerner Would Never Say

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Dec 272010
 

Things A Southerner Would Never Say:

1. Oh I just couldn’t. Hell, she’s only sixteen.
2. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
3. Duct tape won’t fix that.
4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
5. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
6. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. You can’t feed that to the dog.
9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
11. Wrasslin’s fake.
12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
13. We’re vegetarians.
14. Do you think my gut is too big?
15. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
16. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
17. Who’s Richard Petty?
18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
20. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

Confucius on Sex

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Dec 272010
 

On sex, Confucius say…

Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Man kicked in testicles left holding bag.

Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk.

Hole happy, whole body happy.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.

Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.

State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.

Man who plays with self, pulls boner.

Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.

Man’s wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.

Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Man who suck woman’s tit make clean breast of things.

Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

Man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Man who marries girl with no bust have right to feel low down.

Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

Don’t sweat the petty stuff … and don’t pet the sweaty stuff.

Joke Of The Day

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Dec 272010
 

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.”

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed “Hysterias and Posteriors.”

The doctors didn’t find it acceptable, so they suggested “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”

The town didn’t like that either and countered with “Catatonics and High Colonics.”

Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in:

“Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.”
“Minds and Behinds.”
“Lost Souls and Ass-holes.”
“Analysis and Anal Cysts.”
“Queers and Rears.”
“Nuts and Butts.”
“Freaks and Cheeks.”
“Loons and Moons.”

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds & Ends.“

Pitchforks and Torches

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Dec 262010
 

What happened to the party of no?

The classic scene in Frankenstein where the villagers form an angry mob and storm the castle with pitchforks and torches to destroy the monster is the perfect corollary to events transpiring in Washington, D.C.

In the aftermath of an historic midterm election victory, Republicans allowed Obama to set the agenda, frame the issues, and spin the results of the 2010 lame duck session of Congress. Obama has managed to transform himself from a repudiated election-night loser into an action-oriented, take-charge leader pushing through controversial legislation with seconds on the clock as the Republican party of no seems only too eager to help in a misguided show of bipartisanship. Obama has managed to pass a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, secure ratification of the flawed START nuclear treaty, and pass legislation assisting 9/11 responders in a lame duck session. Where are the bold Republicans who proclaimed the end of Obama’s agenda on election night?

I’m not buying the argument that the new Congress will fix the mess created in the lame duck session. The START treaty passed 71-26, with 13 Republicans crossing the aisle. RINO’s such as Lamar Alexander, Richard Lugar, Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe, and Lisa Murkowski will be returning in the new Congress. What possessed Republican Senators to fracture a coalition that had Obama on the ropes? Now that they’ve shown their true colors, is it likely they’ll reform a solid block of opposition?

It would be nice if Tea Party members could show up in mass at the Capitol when the new Congress is sworn in to demonstrate their resolve to see the change for which they voted. Imagine the sight of thousands of concerned citizens calmly and orderly packing the Capitol grounds as the new Congress prepares for business. Not chanting or demonstrating, but sending the subtle message that we are watching you and this is your last chance. When we return, we’ll be carrying pitchforks and torches!

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