The Good Grandpa

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Jul 242009
 

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, Albert, we won’t be long — easy, boy.” Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, “It’s okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, “Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. “You know, sir, it’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

Thanks, lady,” said Gramps, “But, I’m Albert — the little bastard’s name is Steve.” I’m going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home.

The Bronze Rat

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Jul 242009
 

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You have come back for story?”

“No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”

Joke Of The Day

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Jul 242009
 

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

“May I see your identification, please?” asked the agent.

“I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet,” replied the guy.

“Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,” said the agent.

“But I can prove I’m an American!” he exclaimed. “I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other.”

“This I gotta see,” replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

“By golly, you’re right!” exclaimed the agent. “Have a safe trip back to Chicago.”

“Thanks!” he said. “But how did you know I was from Chicago?”

The agent replied, “I recognized Obama in the middle.”

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