Joke Of The Day

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Jun 252009
 

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they’re at death’s door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

“Hey, Pepe” says the first bloke, “Ees a bacon tree!!! We’re saved!!!”

“You’re right, amigo!” says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

“Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?”

With his dying breath Pepe calls out….”Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!”

…

…

…

…

“Ees… a…. Ham bush”

Out of the Mouths of Babes

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Jun 252009
 

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-old kids, because the last one is a classic!

Don’t change horses
until they stop running.

Strike while the
bug is close.

It’s always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of
termites.

You can lead a horse to water but
How?

Don’t bite the hand that
looks dirty.

No news is
impossible.

A miss is as good as a
Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog new
Math.

If you lie down with dogs, you’ll
stink in the morning.

Love all, trust
Me.

The pen is mightier than the
pigs.

An idle mind is
the best way to relax.

Where there’s smoke there’s
pollution.

Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.

A penny saved is
not much.

Two’s company, three’s
the Musketeers.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed
get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you
see in the picture on the box.

When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.

A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.

Better late than
Pregnant!

John Kerry: ‘Too Bad’ Palin Didn’t Go Missing

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Jun 252009
 

It is obvious that Lurch knows the only way for him to get any media attention is to mention Sarah Palin’s name. The sad thing is that if John Kerry went missing, who would really notice?

U.S. Sen. John Kerry must have been channeling his inner Letterman yesterday.

The Bay State senator was telling a group of business and civic leaders in town at his invitation about the “bizarre’’ tale of how South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford had “disappeared for four days’’ and claimed to be hiking along the Appalachian Trail, but no one was really certain of his whereabouts.

“Too bad,’’ Kerry said, “if a governor had to go missing it couldn’t have been the governor of Alaska. You know, Sarah Palin.’’

The Democratic-centric crowd laughed.

Of course, Kerry couldn’t know that 24-hours later the Sanford story would get even stranger when the Republican governor confessed he had actually been in Argentina over Father’s Day weekend – a long, long way from the Appalachian Trail – and with his paramour, no less.

So if Palin is keeping count of potential GOP presidential rivals, well, another one just bit the dust.

Kerry and David Letterman will just have to cope with that.

Source…

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