Here is another reason to vote for me in November. Oh and by the way, I do put my hand over my heart during the national anthem and will wear a flag pin all the time.
In his prepared remarks Obama was ready to start blasting Arizona Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, to show the Illinois Democrat is moving on to the general election campaign.
But first the freshman senator had to go through all the obligatory delighted to see you, delighted to be here part of stump speeches that also require that you actually know where you are.
Obama pulled that off O.K. But then he drifted away from the text a tad, as rookies are wont to do sometimes, forgetting how exhausting this primary process is and should be. And trusting in their instincts, their very tired instincts.
“It is wonderful to be back in Oregon,” Obama said. “Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go. Alaska and Hawaii, I was not allowed to go to even though I really wanted to visit, but my staff would not justify it.”
(UPDATE: At a later stop Obama was talking with reporters and expressed concern he’d also mis-stated the number of potential cyclone victims in Burma. He said, “I hope I said 100,000 people the first time instead of 100 million. I understand I said there were 57 states today. It’s a sign that my numeracy is getting a little, uh.” At that point, an aide cut him off and ushered journalists out. Before he could mis-speak again?)
AmusingComments Off on I’m Announcing My Candidacy for President of the United States of America
May102008
Because I am not happy with any of our current choices for the next President of our great country, I would like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America. Of course I will have to be a write in candidate but I promise if you vote for me, you won’t be disappointed. I mean what I say and do what I mean! In fact this will be my first televised speech the day after I am elected.
My fellow Americans
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq’s regime has been completed. The discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. A new Iraqi government has been established and appears to be stable.
Our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Bulgaria, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations. Leave us alone. Solve your own damn problems. Need help? Call Germany.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations; screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutless country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jews during the 1930s and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel in no way PERIOD.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch as your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos are turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors; Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really needs an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around so guess where I am going to put them? Yep, border security. Oh, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska- which will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, ‘tuff shit.’
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger and homelessness in America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought; thank you guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.
GOD BLESS AMERICA … Thank you and good night.’
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier. And remember, in November write my name on the ballot, Gags at Evaluation, so that I can turn this country around.
A large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:
“One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 10 Taliban!”
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.
The voice then calls out, “One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 100 Taliban!”
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out once more, “One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban!”
The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men! It’s a trap—there are two of them!”
AmusingComments Off on Senators Introduce Bill to Increase Domestic Oil and Natural Gas Production
May082008
The sad truth is that there is no shortage of oil in the U.S., just a shortage of politicians with enough sense to use it. ANWAR and other sources should have been opened years ago!
John McCain should jump all over this. This would be a HUGE vote getter. If presented wisely, opposition by any Democrat can be used against them given the current concerns of average Americans.
US Senator Pete Domenici (R-NM), ranking member of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, introduced the American Energy Production Act of 2008 (S.2958) to increase domestic production of oil and natural gas and to fund the development of oil shale and coal-to-liquids technology. Eighteen other senators co-sponsored. Included in the bill is language for a coal-derived fuels mandate.
The bill would open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) as well as the Atlantic and Pacific regions of the Outer Continental Shelf for exploration and production; and lift the one-year moratorium on developing oil shale in Colorado, Wyoming and Utah.
Outer Continental Shelf. The bill allows petitions for leasing activities in the Atlantic and Pacific regions of the Outer Continental Shelf. The bill allows the Governors of coastal states to submit a petition for a lifting of the moratorium within their state boundaries. The bill creates a revenue sharing agreement for participating states in which 37.5% of revenues will go to new producing states, 12.5% to the Land and Water Conservation Fund, and 50% to the Federal Treasury.
ANWR. The bill establishes a competitive oil and gas leasing program for the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge Coastal Plain under the Mineral Leasing Act. It provides for a 50/50 share of ANWR revenues between the Federal Government and the State of Alaska. Directs that $35 million of the State share be deposited annually into a “Coastal Plain Local Government Impact Aid Assistance Fund” for Alaska communities.
Permitting. Repeals the $4,000 fee for new applications for permits to drill that was established in last year’s Omnibus Appropriations Bill.
Refineries. Grants the EPA authority to accept consolidated applications for permits required to construct and operate refineries, and authorizes financial assistance to states and Indian tribes for the hiring of personnel to process permits. Establishes a 360-day deadline for the approval or disapproval of consolidated permit applications for new refineries and a 120-day deadline for applications to expand existing refineries.
Strategic Petroleum Reserve. Suspends filling the Strategic Petroleum Reserve for 180 days.
Renewable Fuel and Advanced Energy Technology. Amends the Energy Independence and Security Act of 2007 to strike the definition of renewable biomass and replace it with the Senate-passed definition.
Establishes a program of direct loans and grants to accelerate the production of advanced batteries in the United States.
Establishes a research program to determine infrastructure needs for the transport of renewable fuel blends, and directs the Secretary of Energy to consider the compatibility of existing infrastructure with intermediate blends of renewable and petroleum based fuels.
Studies the environmental and efficiency attributes of diesel-fueled vehicles.
Coal-Derived Fuels. Mandates that 6 billion gallons of coal-derived fuels be produced by 2022, starting at 750 million gallons in 2015 and ramping up by that same amount annually. Requires that CTL fuels produced result in lifecycle greenhouse gas emissions not greater than those associated with gasoline and provides waiver authority based on economic or environmental harm.
Oil shale. Repeals the one year moratorium on funds to complete final regulations for the commercial leasing of oil shale established in last year’s Omnibus.
Increases the current allowable contract duration of five years to 25 years for procurement of synthetic fuels by the Department of Defense.
Repeals Section 526 of the Energy Independence and Security Act of 2007, which prohibits federal agencies from procuring alternative fuels with lifecycle greenhouse gas emissions greater than those associated with conventional fuels that they replace.
Domenici and thirteen other Senators have asked the US Energy Information Administration (EIA) to analyze the impact the legislation will have on America’s reliance on foreign oil and energy prices as compared to forecasts the agency made in its Annual Energy Outlook 2008.
The EIA has assessed the impact of drilling in ANWR before. In March of 2004, the Energy Information Administration, at the request of Representative Richard W. Pombo, then Chairman of the US House Committee on Resources, published a report using government figures and analyzing the projected effect of drilling in ANWR. The report lays out three scenarios: one for low-oil resources, one the mean case, the other for high oil resources.
Some of the report’s findings:
The mean-case estimate is that there are 10.4 billion technically recoverable barrels of oil in ANWR, divided into many discrete fields. This estimate includes oil resources in Native lands and State waters out to a 3-mile boundary within the coastal plain area. The mean estimated size of oil resources in the Federal portion of the ANWR coastal plain is 7.7 billion barrels.
It will take approximately 10 years to bring the first field on-line (comparable to other Arctic drilling).
Assuming sequential development of the fields, rank ordered by size, ANWR production would peak, in the mean case scenario, in 2024 at 870,000 barrels of oil per day.
Assuming that every barrel of ANWR oil is consumed domestically, it would reduce imports on a barrel-for-barrel basis.
Here is another reason to vote for me in November. Oh and by the way, I do put my hand over my heart during the national anthem and will wear a flag pin all the time.
