Joke Of The Day

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Apr 062008
 

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.”

The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”
The clerk says, “Well, no.”

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot.”

Mysterious Fanged Fish Shows Up In Utah Pond

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Apr 052008
 

I’m sure there has to be some logical explanation for this but it is interesting news just the same.

A bizarre find in Pioneer Park Pond in Brigham City Utah has biologists stumped. A fish with fangs was discovered; now officials are trying to figure out what exactly it is.

Mystery Creature In Utah Baffles Biologists


A fanged creature found in Utah after some ice melted on a pond has stumped biologists trying to determine what it is.

The strange creature was found after about 4,000 fish were discovered dead in a Brigham City pond, according to officials.

Officials said the pond may have been poisoned or the water may have run out of oxygen due to the thick ice.

While checking the pond, the creature was spotted.

“When we first saw that fish, we thought what in the ….. is that thing?” Utah Divison of Wildlife Resources Ben Boyce said.

The fish was found with carp and goldfish that had been stocked in the pond.

Biologists said they are not sure what the creature is and that it could be a type of trout whose tissue decomposed rapidly, making its teeth more prominent.

Aquatic biologists said if they can’t figure it out, they’ll let the fish decompose fully and then examine the bone structure to determine the species.


Joke Of The Day

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Apr 042008
 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot airballoon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

Actual Country and Western Songs

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Apr 042008
 

Country and Western Music is the heart and soul of America and unlike some other genres, it never takes itself too seriously. You have to love it.

I’m in the process of writting my own Country song called “If my nose ran money, I’d blow it all on you.”

Wacky (but hip) actual C&W Song Titles

1. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

2. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight

3. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here

4. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You

5. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

6. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You

7. Please Bypass This Heart

8. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

9. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

10. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

11. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me

12. She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles

13. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer

14. I Ain’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woken Up With A Few

15. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

16. Tennis Must Be Your Racket, ‘Cause Love Means Nothin’ to You

17. I’ve Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I’m Blue All the Time

18. I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She’s Out of Town

19. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

20. I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

21. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

22. I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

23. I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

24. I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line

25. She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

26. She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty

27. Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone

28. Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

29. When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In

30. You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too

Terrorists Planned Homicide Bomb Attacks on Seven Flights Over North America

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Apr 042008
 


The trial that began in Britain yesterday regarding the terror plot by Radical Muslims back in August of 2006 to blow up airliners over the Atlantic is revealing what would have been the biggest terror attack since 9/11.

Now I’m all for racial profiling and I think that anybody that looks like these guys should not be allowed on any airplane.

British Terrorists Planned Homicide Bomb Attacks on Seven Flights Over North America


A British terrorist cell planned to detonate homicide bombs on seven transatlantic flights over North America, causing catastrophic loss of life, a court was told yesterday.

The flights chosen by the alleged terrorists – based in Walthamstow, East London – were scheduled to leave Heathrow Terminal 3 one afternoon carrying almost 2,000 passengers and crew.

Peter Wright, QC, opening the prosecution case against eight men accused of the plot, said that the attacks would have had “a truly global impact”.

The seven aircraft were destined for six American and Canadian cities: New York, Washington DC, Chicago, San Francisco, Toronto and Montreal.

Wright said that the eight defendants shared a common interest in “inflicting heavy casualties upon an innocent civilian population, all in the name of Islam”.

He told Woolwich Crown Court that the key component of the bombs was a liquid hydrogen peroxide explosive carried in half-liter bottles of soft drinks.

The devices would have been carried in hand luggage, along with detonators made from batteries and disposable cameras.

No date had been finalised for the series of attacks but the alleged conspirators had conducted detailed research on flights leaving London between August and October 2006. The date range included the fifth anniversary of the September 11 attacks.

The jury was told that the alleged plot was thwarted when police made a series of arrests on August 9, 2006. That operation prompted a massive security alert at airports worldwide. Passengers were banned from carrying hand luggage and many flights were cancelled. Chaos ensued at airports around the world and international travel ground to a halt. The continuing restrictions on carrying liquids on aircraft are a direct result of security measures imposed after the alleged plot.

Wright named the key plotters as Abdulla Ahmed Ali, 27, Assad Sarwar, 27, and Mohammed Gulzar, 26. He said that Mr Ali and the five other defendants – Waheed Zaman, 23, Tanvir Hussain, 26, Ibrahim Savant, 27, Arafat Waheed Khan, 26, and Umar Islam (aka Brian Young), 29 – were prepared to be homicide bombers along with as many as 12 other plotters.

“They are men with the cold-eyed certainty of the fanatic, prepared to board an aircraft with the necessary ingredients and equipment to construct and detonate a device that would bring about not only loss of their own lives but also of all those who happened to be taking that journey,” he said.

The defendants all deny charges of conspiracy to murder and conspiracy to cause an explosion on an aircraft. The trial continues.