Joke Of The Day

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Jan 102008
 

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the phone book and sure enough, there’s an ad for “bear removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. “What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

The bear remover replies, “If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

Mariah Carey Would Rather Be Onstage With A Pig Than With Jennifer Lopez

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Jan 092008
 

I doubt that this is true but the headline did make me laugh so I had to post it.

Mariah gets catty

Mariah Carey would “rather be on stage with a pig” than duet with Jennifer Lopez.

The Hero singer slammed rumours she was planning to collaborate with pregnant J.Lo, saying it would “never happen”.

When asked about a possible duet, she fumed to US TV show Inside Hollywood: “I’d rather be on stage with a pig! A duet with Jennifer Lopez and me just isn’t going to happen.”

This isn’t the first time the diva singers have come to blows. They first crossed swords in 2001 when Jennifer sampled two songs from the soundtrack to Mariah’s movie Glitter in two versions of her own hit track I’m Real for her album J.Lo.

An insider on the set of Glitter said at the time: “Mariah was so paranoid about the music getting out that we had another singer sing the temporary versions before the film was released.

“When Jennifer Lopez’s album J.Lo came out, and had the exact same song on it, we knew she had a right to be paranoid. We couldn’t believe her audacity.”

Shortly after the scandal, Mariah was interviewed for German television and questioned about fellow divas.

When asked about former Destiny’s Child singer Beyoncé Knowles, Mariah complimented her beauty and talent. But when she was questioned about Jennifer, Mariah looked incredibly uncomfortable and said: “I don’t know her.”

The feud was recently reignited when Mariah was told Jennifer has eight hours of sleep a night. She cattily laughed: “If I had the luxury of not actually having to sing my songs, I’d do that too.”

“Good Eats” And Alton Brown Back For Three More Seasons

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Jan 082008
 

“Good Eats” is just good, silly fun, with a solid core of knowledge and intelligence behind all the goofball stuff. My kids love it.

The press release quotes Alton Brown as saying this:

“Food Network is my home and I am staying home. I’m looking forward to producing more and varied shows with the network and am especially excited about Feasting on Waves, which will bring a whole new perspective to food.”

Food Net inks three-year deal with Brown

Food Network has inked a new three-year deal with Alton Brown, which calls for him to produce new seasons of “Good Eats” and “Iron Chef America” as well as various specials this year. In addition, Brown will produce a new season of limited series “Feasting on Asphalt,” titled “Feasting on Waves,” set to premiere in the summer. “Waves” will feature Brown exploring the people, cultures and food of the Caribbean. Additional terms of Brown’s deal were not disclosed.

Words of Wisdom Part III

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Jan 082008
 

  • I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

  • Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. (Mark Twain)

  • The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)

  • Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)

  • By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury (Groucho Marx)

  • Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

  • I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

  • I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)

  • We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. (Will Rogers)

  • Don’t worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you. (Winston Churchill)

  • Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. (Phyllis Diller)

  • By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. (Billy Crystal)

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