Tag: The South

Jokes

Retiring in the South

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired..

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

Louisiana
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying .. “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.”

When asked why, he replied, “He’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.”

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pick-up truck from the parking lot!” Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passer-by studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”

The passer-by asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pick-up on I-65.
The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep”, he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.”

You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

Amusing

Things A Southerner Would Never Say

Things A Southerner Would Never Say:

1. Oh I just couldn’t. Hell, she’s only sixteen.
2. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
3. Duct tape won’t fix that.
4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
5. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
6. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. You can’t feed that to the dog.
9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
11. Wrasslin’s fake.
12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
13. We’re vegetarians.
14. Do you think my gut is too big?
15. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
16. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
17. Who’s Richard Petty?
18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
20. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

Amusing

The Differences Between the North and the South

The North and South

  • The North has Bloomingdale’s, the South has Dollar General.
  • The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
  • The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
  • The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
  • The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
  • The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
  • North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
  • The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
  • The North has lobsters, the South has craw fish.
  • The North has the rust belt ; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

  • In the South: –If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
  • Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store… . do not buy food at this store.
  • Remember, ‘Y’all’ is singular, ‘all y’all’ is plural, and ‘all y’all’s’ is plural possessive.
  • Get used to hearing ‘You ain’t from round here, are ya?’
  • Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
  • Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective ‘big’ol,’ truck or ‘big’ol’ boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
  • The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper!
  • Be advised that ‘He needed killin.’ is a valid defense here.
  • If you hear a Southerner exclaim, ‘Hey, y’all watch this,’ you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.
  • If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
  • Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
  • In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn’t call ‘em biscuits.

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