A Parable Of A Dead Cat

A Parable Of A Dead Cat

He started out as a gift to the children. Just barely two months old when he arrived, Little Buddy was a big hit with the family. We had never had a cat before, let alone a Ginger Cat.

Raising Little Buddy was to be a family task. That nasty business of cleaning the litter box originally was to be a shared task for the children.

“We’ll take turns, Dad, we’ll feed him and bathe him and clean up after him. We promise.”

Well, I eventually gave in and Little Buddy came to live with us. It didn’t take long for Little Buddy to learn the routine. He even liked his weekly bath. He was a very curious cat too. With his long tail extended, Little Buddy walked on the back of the chairs and sofa and the countertops in the kitchen and the window sills too.

After being reminded several times, Little Buddy learned that we didn’t want him on the kitchen counters or on the table. He kept his backyard romps to a minimum and rarely stayed out more than about five to ten minutes. Then he would be back to the door asking to come inside.

There was just one thing that Little Buddy could not stop doing. Scratching. He extended his forepaws and dug them into the furniture. Deep gouges appeared on the legs of the sofa and chairs. He dug his claws into the fabric and shredded everything. He even scratched the legs of our very expensive and antique dining room table and chairs. Threads were appearing everywhere. And even though we warned him and tried to convince him otherwise, he refused to obey.

Well, as my wife said, “cats will be cats.”

So, a trip to the vet was planned. You see, a vet can surgically remove these sharp appendages. They can declaw a cat, making them harmless to you and to your furniture. Against his will, Little Buddy submitted to this procedure. Within a week he was back to his old self with one exception. There was no longer scratching. Oh, he still went through the motions, but he could not do any damage. Without claws, he was no longer a threat to us or our furniture.

At last, Little Buddy was a manageable pet. He could run, jump and play without being a problem in our home or to anyone that might try to pick him up.

However, one night during his romp in the backyard, Little Buddy ran into an unforeseen situation. We don’t know how many there were, but all we heard were dogs barking. I ran into the backyard and never even saw them. That’s when I found him. My Little Buddy. Lying lifeless in a pool of his own blood.

You see, in our misguided quest to make Little Buddy a more manageable member of our family, we had removed Little Buddy’s only means of self-defense. Without claws, Little Buddy was helpless. Little Buddy could only HOPE he wouldn’t be assaulted.

The moral to this story is simple: The right to bare arms saves your hide.

The Pillsbury Doughboy’s Obituary

Pillsbury Doughboy

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 75. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects at his funeral, including Mrs Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies. Captain Crunch sent his apologies. The grave-site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy in the graveyard and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who did not realize how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very ‘smart’ cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Playa Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they have one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 2:50 for about 20 minutes.

Birth Of A Candy Bar

Birth Of A Candy Bar

It was another Payday, and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how’d you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat, and she started to scream, “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said “Look you little Reese’s Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey?” (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty, when all of a sudden… my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped Baby Ruth!

Tom and Eggs

Tom and Eggs

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

“What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?… and who are you?” he asked.

“This is not your bedroom,” the man replied, “I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.”

“WHAT! Are you saying I’m dead? I don’t want to die! I’m too young,” said Tom. “I want you to send me back immediately.”

“It’s not that easy”, said St.Peter. “You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own.”

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can’t be that bad.

“I want to return as a hen,” Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was going to blow. Then along came the rooster.

“Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about,” he said. “How do you like being a hen?”

“Well, OK, I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode.”

“Oh, that!” said the rooster. “That’s only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg.”

“How do I do that?” Tom asked.

“Cluck twice, and then you push all you can.”

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then ‘plop’ an egg was on the ground.

“Wow” Tom said. “That felt fantastic!” So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

“Tom, for Christ’s sake! Wake up! You’re shittin’ all over the bed!”

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