Tag: Rules

Funny Jokes

Basic Rules For Dogs

Basic Rules For DogsNEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that’s placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark — a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark…

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never — quite — catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.

 

Jokes

New Rules For Dieting!

New Rules For Dieting1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

 

Amusing Information Political Quotes

The 13 Rules Of Gunfighting Everyone Should Know

The 13 Rules Of Gunfighting Everyone Should Know

These Are The 13 Rules Of Gunfighting Everyone Should Know

Some words to the wise. Shooting Advice from various Concealed Carry Instructors. If you own a gun, you will appreciate this. If not, you should get one and learn how to use it.

1) Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians.

2) It’s always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

3) Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

4) Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside arms length.

5) Never say “I’ve got a gun.” If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

6) The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

7) The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win – cheat if necessary.

8) Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets…You may get killed with your own gun, but he’ll have to beat you to death with it, cause it’ll be empty.

9) If you’re in a gun fight: If you’re not shooting, you should be loading. If you’re not loading, you should be moving. If you’re not shooting, moving or loading, you’re probably dead.

10) In a life and death situation, do something…It may be wrong, but do something!

11) If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

12) You can say ‘stop’ or ‘alto’ or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone’s head is pretty much a universal language.

13) You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

“Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading,” ~ Thomas Jefferson

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Amusing Funny

The Chocolate Rules

The Chocolate Rules

The Chocolate Rules

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

 

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