Tag: Retirement
Employee Notice
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slow down in The economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory Retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under The SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has Always prided themselves on the amount of S.H.I.T. they give our Citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T., please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
Retiring in the South
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired..
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
Louisiana
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying .. “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.”
When asked why, he replied, “He’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.”
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pick-up truck from the parking lot!” Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passer-by studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”
The passer-by asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pick-up on I-65.
The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep”, he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.”
You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
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