Tag: Rednecks

Amusing

You Might Be A Redneck If

  • You take your dog for a walk, and you both use the same tree.
  • You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
  • Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  • You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don’t want it.
  • You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  • You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  • Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
  • You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
  • You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
  • You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
  • You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap.
  • Your father executes the “Pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
  • Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  • You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
  • You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  • You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
  • Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.
  • A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
  • You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
  • You’ve asked the preacher, “How’s it hangin’?”
  • You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
  • Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
  • You’ve spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
  • When someone asks to see your I.D. you show your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior and Senior Proms had a day care.
  • Your mother doesn’t remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the Cops to kiss her a**.
  • You’ve used lard in bed.
  • The primary color of your car is “Bondo.”
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniel makes your list of “most admired Americans.”
  • Your wife’s hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • You see no need for a rest stop because there’s an empty milk jug in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side front window of your car.
  • You barbecue Spam.
  • Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
  • Red Man Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you were at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you’re both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
  • You prominently display the souvenir you got at Graceland.
  • When your front porch collapses, three or more dogs die.
  • You’ve signed a petition to change the national anthem to “Nothing Could Be Finer Than to Be in Carolina.”
  • You call the boss “Dude.”
  • You think “Volvo” is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  • You’ve been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  • Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an opening on the lube rack.
  • You need an estimate from the barber before you get a haircut.
  • After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
  • You pass out Styrofoam cups at your wedding reception for people to spit in.

Amusing

Southern Drawl Words Translated

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y’allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.The following are excerpts from the Y’allbonics/English dictionary:

  1. HEIDI – (noun) – Greeting.
  2. HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage “Heidi, Hire yew?”
  3. BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow. “Usage “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
  4. JAWJUH – (noun) – The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”
  5. BAMMER – (noun) – The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”
  6. MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division. Usage “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”
  7. THANK – (verb) – Cognitive process. Usage “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
  8. BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
  9. IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Usage “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”
  10. RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
  11. ALL – (noun) – A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
  12. FAR – (noun) – A conflagration. Usage “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”
  13. TAR – (noun) – A rubber wheel. Usage “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
  14. TIRE – (noun) – A tall monument. Usage “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
  15. RETARD – (verb) – To stop working. Usage “My grampaw retard at age 65.”
  16. FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”
  17. RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege. Usage “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”
  18. CHEER – (adverb) In this place. Usage “Just set that bare rat cheer.”
  19. FARN – (adjective) – Not domestic. Usage “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”
  20. DID – (adjective) – Not alive. Usage “He’s did, Jim.”
  21. ARE – (noun) – A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage “He cain’t breathe…give ‘im some ARE!”
  22. BOB WAR – (noun) – A sharp, twisted cable. Usage “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
  23. JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”
  24. HAZE – a contraction. Usage “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah…haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”
  25. SEED – (verb) – past tense of “to see”.
  26. VIEW – contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”
  27. GUBMINT – (noun) – A bureaucratic institution. Usage “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”

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