President Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder held a a news conference this morning on the beheading in Arizona by suspected Mexican drug gangs. President Obama said: “Look folks…this whole thing is being overblown, just another GOP effort to stoke the fires of anti-immigrant fervor. Our initial investigation shows this was not a “murder” at all…I’ll have Holder speak to the details…”
Attorney General Holder stated: “This was not a murder by Mexicans. The gentleman who passed away apparently choked on a chicken bone and several of his undocumented immigrant friends who were visiting from across the border tried to give him a tracheotomy…unsuccessfully. This is a very delicate operation and apparently his friends lacked the training to do it successfully and accidentally severed his head in the process. These immigrants are not murderers, they are victims who should be given a life saving medal for their heroic efforts”.
President Obama then continued: “Because of their heroic, but unsuccessful efforts, I am committing a billion dollars to training basic lifesaving techniques, in Spanish, to undocumented aliens. Without training these kinds of accidents will happen and it was an unnecessary tragedy that we are responsible for…had we trained our visitors before this mans life may have been saved. I am going to give the Presidents Medal to all three gentleman who heroically tried to save this man…however, they are all back in Mexico…we fully expect them to come back across the border in a day or two so as soon as we can contact them we will have a News Conference to award them for their heroic efforts.”