Mathematics

 Amusing  Comments Off on Mathematics
Jul 102009
 

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Gifts to Give Real Men

 Amusing  3 Responses »
Dec 242008
 

This is from an email I received.

Buying gifts for men isn’t nearly as complicated as it is for women.

So, don’t worry, this timely list of rules will answer all your gift-giving questions for the men on your list.

Rule #1
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill.
It does not matter if he already has one.
I have a friend who owns 17 and he is yet to complain.
As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.

Rule #2
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the
word ratchet or socket in it.
Men love saying those two words.
“Hey, George, can I borrow your ratchet?”
“Sure. By the way, are you through with my 3/8″ socket?”

Rule #3
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car.
A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer, or something to
hang from his rear view mirror.
Men love gifts for their car.

Rule #4
Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if men were supposed to wear bathrobes, jockey shorts would not have been invented.

Rule #5
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy the man on your list a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner.
Watch him go wild as he flips and flips and flips.
Forget the program – your entertainment will be watching him have fun!

Rule #6
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or
cologne. Men believe they do not smell – they are earthy.

Rule #7
Buy men label makers. They’re almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks, there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.”
You get the idea.

Rule #8
Never buy a man anything and then tell him he should read the
instructions because the box says, “Some assembly required.”
It will ruin his special day. He will always have parts left over.

Rule #9
Good places to shop for men include: Home Depot, Wal-Mart, $ Dollar Store, Lumberyard, Speed Shops, RV Center and Goodyear Tire, Pool Halls and Pawnshops. Napa Auto Parts and Sear’s Clearance Center are also excellent. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From Napa Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ”68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks!”

Rule #10
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook, but love to barbeque. Get him a monster barbeque with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him to build a deck for it.Tell him the gas line leaks. Oh the thrill! The challenge!

Rule #11
Tickets or Pay per View to any NFL or NHL ball game is a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.”

Rule #12
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why, refer to rule #7 (remember what happens with a label maker?)

Rule #13
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an ‘extension’ ladder.

Rule #14
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says “I love you” like a hundred feet of 3/8″ yellow or blue manila rope.

Rule #15
In lieu of good rope, consider getting him a heavy-duty extension cord. It should be at least 75-100 feet, and it must be either bright yellow or international orange. He’ll use it for everything, even if the job is only 10 feet from the power outlet.

Rule # 16
Never, ever buy them house slippers. Only leather moccasins.
They will think they are Tonto or out camping somewhere. Macho thing.

A Geography Lesson

 Amusing  Comments Off on A Geography Lesson
Dec 102008
 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently Aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, Ruled by Nuts.

The Real Difference Between Men and Women

 Amusing  Comments Off on The Real Difference Between Men and Women
Nov 202008
 


NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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