ONE
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time… I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
TWO
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
THREE
When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?
FOUR
When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
FIVE
When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” No, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the floor.
SIX
People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
SEVEN
When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
EIGHT
When people say “life is short”. What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that’s longer?
NINE
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
TEN
People who say things like ‘My eyes aren’t what they used to be’. So what did they used to be? Ears!
ELEVEN
When you’re eating something and someone asks ‘Is that nice?’ No it’s really revolting – I always eat stuff I hate.
TWELVE
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that’s an image I really didn’t need.
THIRTEEN
McDonald’s staff who pretend they don’t understand you unless you insert the ‘Mc’ before the item you are ordering…. It’s has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks… Well, I’ll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McIdiot.
FOURTEEN
When you involved in a accident and someone asks ‘are you alright?’ Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off!
FIFTEEN
When people say ‘Can I borrow a piece of paper I’ll pay you back’ It’s one god damn piece of paper you moron, I don’t want it back!
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you’d better know something.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.
I’ve learned that it’s not what happens to people that’s important. It’s what they do about it.
I’ve learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
I’ve learned that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I’ve learned that it’s a lot easier to react than it is to think.
I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you think you can’t.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned that learning to forgive takes practice.
I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don’t know how to show it.
I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I’ve learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I’ve learned that I’m getting more and more like my grandfather, and I’m kinda happy about it.
I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
I’ve learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I’ve learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she believed it
I’ve learned that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.
I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I’m forced to choose sides even when I don’t want to.
I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
I’ve learned that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I’ve learned that if you don’t want to forget something, stick it in your underwear drawer.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I’ve learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I’ve learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.
I’ve learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life.
I’ve learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control.
I’ve learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.
I’ve learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.
I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I’ve learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
I’ve learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.
I’ve learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I’ve learned that although the word “love” can have many different meaning, it loses value when overly used.
I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.
“Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.” ~ Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
“Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.” ~ Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver
“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.” ~ Doug Sanders, professional golfer
“All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'” ~ Mickey Lolich, DetroitTigers Pitcher
“When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.” ~ Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having them.” ~ Tommy LaSorda ,LA Dodgers manager
“My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.” ~ E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
“My theory is that if you buy an ice~cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.” ~ Vic Braden, tennis instructor
“When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax’s.” ~ Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery
“I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.” ~ Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles
“We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.” ~ John Breen, HoustonOilers
“The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.” ~ Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the AtlantaFalcons
“When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.” ~ Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
“I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.” ~ Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
“Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.” ~ Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
“I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.” ~ Lou Holtz ,Arkansas football coach
“I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.” ~ Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
“I tell him ‘Attaway to hit, George.'” ~ Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
“I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.” ~ Bill Walton, PortlandTrial Blazers
“Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.” ~ George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.
“The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.” ~ Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride. 2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. 3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. 4. When it’s in your best interest, always practice obedience. 5. Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory. 6. Take naps and always stretch before rising. 7. Run, romp, and play daily. 8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. 9. Be loyal. 10. Never pretend to be something you’re not. 11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. 12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. 13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. 14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. 15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. 16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. 17. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body. 18. No matter how often you are criticized, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.