Tag: Lists

Funny Jokes

Man’s Best Friend

Man's Best FriendWhy some men have dogs and not wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk – and don’t get annoyed when you start stroking them whilst you are drunk!!

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

And finally, to test the theory: Lock your dog and your wife in your garage for an hour. Then open it and see who’s happy to see you…

 

Funny Jokes

Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

  • Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
  • Someone call the janitor — we’re going to need a mop.
  • Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
  • Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad dog!
  • Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
  • Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingy.
  • Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
  • Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 mg of this stuff before?
  • Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.
  • Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
  • I hope his family won’t miss him.
  • And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
  • Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
  • Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

 

Amusing Information

Stuff You Didn’t Know

Who_Knew

  • It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
  • Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.
  • Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
  • If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water.  When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
  • Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
  • Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
  • The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in  almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new  year.
  • Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
  • Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450 F.
  • The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear, is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the  veins in the ear.
  • Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
  • The banana cannot reproduce itself.  It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
  • Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
  • The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
  • The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
  • In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage.  Catching it meant she accepted.
  • Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • A comet’s tail always points away from the   sun.
  • The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
  • Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
  • The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval  times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
  • If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
  • When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go.  The first sense lost is sight.
  • In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
  • Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
  • Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
  • The moon moves about two inches away from the earth each year.
  • The earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
  • Due to earth’s gravity, it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
  • Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy .
  • Soldiers do  not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock  the bridge down.
  • Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
  • For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
  • The Letter J does not appear anywhere on the Periodic Table of the Elements

 

Amusing Funny

Zen…

Zen1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just Get Out Of The Way and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

 

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