Tag: Lists

Amusing

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity And Drive Other People Insane

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.

3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”

6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car’s windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep ’em tuned up.

7. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”

8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.

9. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”

10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go.”

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.

Amusing

Generation Y

The Silent generation, people born before 1946.

The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.

Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995

Why do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below…

Amusing

More Confusing Questions

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes and from Finland Fines?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why is it that you drive on the parkway, and park on the driveway?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”?

Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why do people say “The alarm just went off” when really it just came on?

Amusing

Confusing Questions

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, does it say ‘me’?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Why do we kill people who kill people to show them that killing people is wrong?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why does a ‘slight tax increase’ cost you $200 and a ‘substantial tax cut’ save you 30 cents?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space?

If firefighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?

Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

What’s the opposite of opposite?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before he is considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in,” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up about every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

What happens when the future has come and gone? Robert Half

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for president and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Amusing

What Does Your Profession Say About You?

1. MARKETING – You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES – Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.” You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY – Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING – One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself, your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”

5. ACCOUNTING – The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES – Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT – Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in you social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT – (See above – Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE – Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT – Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER” – As a “person” that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO – You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER – Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term “GO POSTAL”

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