Tag: Lists

Amusing

Questions

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?`

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why are they called apartments, when they`re all stuck together?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why do they call it a building? It looks like they`re finished.

Why isn’t it a built?

Why is it when you transport something by car, it`s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it`s called cargo?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?

Is there another word for synonym?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Amusing

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor….

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: They don`t talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Amusing

Old Words Given a New Definition

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand):The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Political

What’s the Difference Between a Conservative and a Liberal?

People often wonder what is the difference between a Conservative and a Liberal. The simple fact of the matter is that the major difference is that Conservatives wonder first what it is they are responsible for while Liberals wonder first what everyone else should be doing for them.

What’s the Difference Between a Conservative and a Liberal?

Here are some brief rules of thumb:

• If a Conservative sees a U.S.flag, his heart swells with pride.
• If a Liberal sees a U.S. flag, he feels shame.

• If a Conservative doesn’t like guns, they don’t buy them.
• If a Liberal doesn’t like guns, then no one else should have one either.

• If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he won’t eat meat.
• If a Liberal is, they want to ban all meat products for everyone.

• If a Conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat it.
• If a Liberal see an enemy he wonders what he can do to appease him.

• If a Conservative is homosexual, he’ll quietly enjoy his life.
• If a Liberal is homosexual, he’ll demand everyone get involved in his bedroom activities.

• If a successful Conservative is black or Hispanic, he’ll see himself as having succeeded on his own merits.
• Successful Liberal minorities still claim “racism” and want government to give them even more.

• If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to work to better his situation.
• A Liberal wants someone else to take care of him.

• If a Conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
• If a Liberal doesn’t like a radio show, he demands that the station be shut down or censored.

• If a Conservative is a non-believer, he just doesn’t go to church.
• Non-believing Liberals demand that everyone cease believing and demands churches be censored.

• If a Conservative needs health care, he shops for it, or chooses a job that provides it.
• Liberals demand that everyone else provide him with health care for free.

• If a Conservative sees a law, he thinks long and hard before suggesting a change.
• If a Liberal sees a law he assumes it is just a suggestion and does what he wants anyway.

• Conservatives feel there is a right and wrong.
• Liberals feel that nothing is really wrong… unless it is believed by a conservative.

• Conservatives believe in freedom, responsibility, tradition, and self-reliance.
• Liberals believe in license, government restrictions, upending tradition, and collectives.



Amusing

It’s The Law

The following dumb laws are, or were at some point, actually laws in the United States listed below. Now, before you go any further do know that I’m not a lawyer nor am I claiming any responsibility if you bail off and do something stupid or try using something here as a defense in court (rofl at that).

Alabama
* In Jasper, it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
* It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
* It is illegal to play Dominos on Sunday.
* Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

Alaska
* In Fairbanks, it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
* While it is legal to shoot bears, waking sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

Arizona
* In Tucson, it is illegal for women to wear pants.
* In Globe, it is illegal to play cards in the street with a Native American.
* In Glendale, it is illegal to drive a car in reverse.
* In Nogales, it is illegal to wear suspenders.

Arkansas
* A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
* In Fayetteville, it is illegal to kill “any living creature”.
* Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-Day jail term.

California
* Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
* Women may not drive in a house coat.
* In Pacific Groove, “molesting” butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
* It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
* In San Francisco, it is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.
* It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Colorado
* In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.

Connecticut
* It is illegal to dispose used razor blades.
* In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h. even when going to a fire.
* In Hartford, it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.

Delaware
* It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.

Florida
* If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
* In Miami, it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.
* Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.
* When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.
* In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.

Georgia
* While Georgia operates its own lottery, it “protects” its citizens by making it illegal to promote a private lottery.
* Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
* Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
* No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket on Sunday.

Hawaii
* It is illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks.
It is illegal to own a mongoose without a permit.

Idaho
* You may not fish on a camel’s back.

Illinois
* In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
* According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is “American”.

Indiana
* Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
* It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.

Iowa
* State law forbids any establishment from charging admission to see a one-armed piano player.
* In Fort Madison, firemen are required to practice for 15 minutes before attending a fire.

Kansas
* Prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat.

Kentucky
* It is illegal to remarry the same man four times.

Louisiana
* In New Orleans, fire trucks are required by law to stop at all red lights.
* It is considered “simple assault” to bite someone in New Orleans; it is “aggravated assault” if the biter has false teeth.
* It is against the law to gargle in public.
* It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

Maine
* In Waterville, it is illegal to blow one’s nose in public.

Maryland
* In Halethorpe, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second.

Massachusetts
* In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms.
* It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
* In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.
* In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.

Michigan
* In Clawson, it is legal for a farmer to “sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.”
* A state law stipulates that a woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband.
* In Detroit, it is illegal to make love in a car unless it is parked on your property.
* You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.
* In Port Huron, the speed limit for ambulances in 20 m.p.h.
* Under state law, dentists are officially classified as “mechanics.”

Minnesota
* Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.
* In Minneapolis, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.
* Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
* It’s illegal to tease skunks.

Mississippi
* In Truro, a would-be groom must “prove himself manly” prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows.

Missouri
* It is illegal to have oral sex.
* Single men between the ages of twenty-one and fifty must pay an annual tax of one dollar (enacted 1820).

Montana
* Prostitution is considered a “crime against the family”.
* It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.
* It is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
* It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style.
* Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.

Nebraska
* It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

Nevada
* It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
* It’s still “legal” to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.

New Hampshire
* You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
* It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
* Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces.
* On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.

New Jersey
* Spray paint may not be sold without a posted sign warning juveniles of the penalty for creating graffiti.
* It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder.
* It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

New Mexico
* It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.
* Hunting is prohibited in Mountain View Cemetery.

New York
* A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
* It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.
* A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
* The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

North Dakota
* Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
* It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

Ohio
* It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
* It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

Pennsylvania
* A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.

Texas
* It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
* It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don’t need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
* It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
* It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.
* A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
* The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

Wisconsin
* You must manually flush all urinals in a building.
* Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

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