Rush Limbaugh’s 35 Undeniable Truths of Life

Rush Limbaugh has shown remarkable consistency over the years. Unlike the mainstream media, he has not wavered from his principles, nor has he sold out conservatism to get a Republican elected. Regardless of the odds, he keeps making his case every day to the American people.

His list of the 35 Undeniable Truths of Life should be a battle cry for all true Conservatives!

1. There is a distinct singular American culture – rugged individualism
and self-reliance – which made America great.
2. The vast majority of the rich in this country did not inherit their
wealth; they earned it. They are the country’s achievers, producers,
and job creators.
3. No nation has ever taxed itself into prosperity.
4. Evidence refutes liberalism.
5. There is no such thing as a New Democrat.
6. The Earth’s eco-system is not fragile.
7. Character matters; leadership descends from character.
8. The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you
cut it down.
9. Ronald Reagan was the greatest president of the twentieth century.
10. The 1980s was not a decade of greed but a decade of prosperity; it was
the longest period of peacetime growth in American history.
11. Abstinence prevents sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy -every
time it’s tried.
12. Condoms only work during the school year.
13. Poverty is not the root (“rut”) cause of crime.
14. There’s a simple way to solve the crime problem: obey the law; punish
those who do not.
15. If you commit a crime, you are guilty.
16. Women should not be allowed on juries where the accused is a stud.
17. The way to improve our schools is not more money, but the
reintroduction of moral and spiritual values, as well as the four
“R’s”: reading, ‘riting, ‘rithmatic, and Rush.
18. I am not arrogant.
19. My first 35 Undeniable Truths are still undeniably true.
20. There is a God.
21. There is something wrong when critics say the problem with America is
too much religion.
22. Morality is not defined by individual choice.
23. The only way liberals win national elections is by pretending they’re
not liberals.
24. Feminism was established as to allow unattractive women easier access
to the mainstream of society.
25. Follow the money. When somebody says, “It’s not the money,” it’s
always the money.
26. Liberals attempt through judicial activism what they cannot win at the
ballot box.
27. Using federal dollars as a measure, our cities have not been
neglected, but poisoned with welfare dependency funds.
28. Progress is not striving for economic justice or fairness, but
economic growth.
29. Liberals measure compassion by how many people are given welfare.
Conservatives measure compassion by how many people no longer need it.
30. Compassion is no substitute for justice.
31. The culture war is between the winners and those who think they’re
losers who want to become winners. The losers think the only way they
can become winners is by banding together all the losers and then
empowering a leader of the losers to make things right for them.
32. The Los Angeles riots were not caused by the Rodney King verdict. The
Los Angeles riots were caused by rioters.
33. You could afford your house without your government – if it weren’t
for your government.
34. Words mean things.
35. Too many Americans can’t laugh at themselves anymore.

Rules For Dating My Daughter

So you want to date one of my daughters? This a copy of the rules handed out to boys on the 1st (and often final) date. An application to date my daughter must also be completed.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as Hell not picking anything up. You will not call our home before 9 AM or after 10PM.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like pulling weeds in the flower beds or changing the oil in my truck?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws, Clint Eastwood, or John Wayne are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been with a goofy haircut. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, rope, cinder blocks, and a very deep pond behind the house stocked with hungry gators, 25+ Lb. catfish, Cottonmouth snakes, and large snapping turtles. Do not irritate me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your little Jap car with the big coffee can muffler for one of Charlie’s Soviet made choppers coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange affliction starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands behind your head; speak the perimeter password; announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early; return to your car; then slowly back out of the driveway and through the front gate. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window will be mine.

Application For Permission To Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME_______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH____________

2. HEIGHT:__________ WEIGHT:__________ I.Q. _________ G.P.A._________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________ DRIVER’S LICENSE # __________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK ____________________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE_______ ZIP_____

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?_________________

7. Number of years parents married: ______________

8. Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?____ A waterbed?______

9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ________________

__________________________________________________ ________________

__________________________________________________ ________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ________________

__________________________________________________ ________________

__________________________________________________ ________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ________________

__________________________________________________ ________________

__________________________________________________ ________________

12. Church you attend? ________________________ How often? ___________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and priest? ______

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely – all answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone-ever-promise).

A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is ________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is _____________
C. A woman’s place is in the _________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________
E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is ________

(NOTE: If answer E begins with a T or A, discontinue and leave premises; keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised).

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________

16. Do you have any holes in your body other than the ones God graced you with and if so, how many? _______________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

__________________________________________

Signature (that means sign your name, moron)

A.T.M Machines

Please note that with the arrival of the new “Drive-through” cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.

Male Procedure
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Remove card and receipt
6 Drive off

Female Procedure
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on the passenger seat to locate card
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Check eyelashes in mirror
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
26 Release hand brake

Proof That The Human Race Is Doomed By Stupidity

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it’s just a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot’s children’s cough medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I’m curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.”

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”

On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”

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