Tag: Lists

Amusing

How To Tell if You Are A Taliban

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF……….

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

13. Your cousin is president of the United States.

Amusing

Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated withgreaseyour nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the leastaccessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directlyproportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get abusy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for workbecause you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have aflattire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one youwere in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (worksevery time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, thetelephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone youknowincreases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machinewon’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inverselyproportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthestfrom the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,yourboss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee iscold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a lockerroom, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jellysandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directlycorrelated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t knowwhat you are talking about.

17. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

18. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,they will stop making it.

Amusing

Murphy’s Lesser-Known Dictums

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day sinking worms.

11. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Amusing

Can You Guess It?

How fast can you guess these words?

1. BOO_S

2. _ _NDOM

3. F_CK

4. P_N_S

5. PU_S_

6. S_X

To find out the answers look below

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Guess what you got all of them wrong…. didn’t you?

The answers are:

1. BOOKS
2. RANDOM
3. FORK
4. PANTS
5. PULSE
6. SIX

Amusing

You Know You’re From California If:

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can’t remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can’t remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can’t remember . . is pot illegal?

14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH..”

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. If you’re here illegally, they want to give you one.

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