Tag: Lists

Amusing

Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes!

Amusing

Government Pipe Specifications

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.


2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.


3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) – otherwise the hole will be on the outside.


4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.


5. All pipe should be supplied without rust – this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.


6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words “long pipe” clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe


7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words “very long pipe” painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.


8. All pipe over 6″ (152 mm) in diameter must have the words “large pipe” painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.


9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.


10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.


11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.


12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads – otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

Quotes

Actual Quotes From Texas Politicians

The following are actual quotes from Texas politicians.

1. “It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket.”
Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury.

2. “Lemme give ya’ a hypothetic.”
Texas Rep. Renal Rosson.

3. “Ain’t nothin’ in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.”
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.

4. “And now, will y’all stand and be recognized?”
Texas House SpeakerGib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs.

5. “Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one.”
C. Greene.

6. “No thanks, once was enough.”
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again.

7. “Oh good. Now he’ll be bi-ignorant.”
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish.

8. “I’d just make a little bit of money, I wouldn’t make a whole lot.”
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.

9. “Well, there never was a Bible in the room.”
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.

10. “I am filled with humidity.”
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

11. “If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin’ rights on that man’s head.”
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush’s policies.

12. “If it’s dangerous to talk to yourself, it’s probably even dicier to listen”
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.

13. “I move we recess to go outside and throw up.”
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing.

14. “This is a real competitive business.”
A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded.

15. “…idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women…”
Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.

16. “It’s the sediment of the House that we adjourn.”
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.

17. “Let’s do this in one foul sweep.”
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.

18. “This is unparalyzed in the state’s history.”
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

19. “I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.”
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

20. “We’ll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger.”
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

21. “There’s a lot of uncertainty that’s not clear in my mind.” Texas
House Speaker Gib Lewis.

22. “I can explain it for you, but I can’t understand it for you.”
Anon.

23. “There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information.”
Don Rottenberg.

Amusing

Puns for “Educated” Minds

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.. (It was Scotch!)

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

25. I had to add this one. A man fell into a lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

Amusing

Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ….. and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving

18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse … then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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