1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in artificial stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher – Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney’s clogged
22. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine’s out of thread
27. His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky’s kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts
Tag: Lists
Whatever Happened To All Those Disney Characters?
We have all grown up knowing and loving the characters produced by Walt Disney and his successors at the Disney company. From Mickey Mouse to Aladdin, Disney has always given us something to laugh at, someone to cry for, something to hope for and a star to wish upon.
Now, however, is has been revealed that the stars of these memorable cartoons may not have been the paragons of hope and happiness we always thought they were. Here, for the first time ever, are the fates to have befallen many of your favorite Disney characters.
MICKEY MOUSE – died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said “No” for 50 years.
DONALD DUCK – served as a main course at Epcot’s China Pavilion.
PLUTO – caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.
GOOFY – assassinated during first term as President of the United States.
SCROOGE MCDUCK – died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.
HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE – involved in an underground child pornography ring.
SNOW WHITE – fell for the “apple trick” again.
DOPEY – ’nuff said.
SNEEZY – died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.
GRUMPY – executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.
HAPPY – killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.
DOC – was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.
SLEEPY – never woke up.
BASHFUL – now a stripper with the Chippendales.
MARY POPPINS – shot down over Iraqi airspace.
CHRISTOPHER ROBIN – male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.
WINNIE THE POOH – had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.
PIGLET – gunned down in a Mafia hit.
RABBIT – died of an aneurysm while watching over his garden.
EEYORE – committed suicide.
ROO – smothered to death by Kanga.
KANGA – put to death by the state.
TIGGER – accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.
ALICE (OF WONDERLAND) – institutionalized for life.
THE MAD HATTER – died of mercury poisoning.
DORMOUSE – drowned in a teapot.
THE QUEEN OF HEARTS – guillotined during the revolution.
TWEEDLEDEE & TWEEDLEDUM – died of excessive weight loss at a fat farm.
SLEEPING BEAUTY – slept until 1986, contracted AIDS from “Prince Charming.”
CINDERELLA – killed by stepsisters and stepmother in a jealous rage.
PINOCCHIO – is now a very comfortable Ottoman.
JIMINY CRICKET – died after impacting a windshield at high Speeds.
FIGARO – strung tightly on a Les Paul guitar.
DUMBO – sucked into the engine of a 747.
PETER PAN – Christopher Robin’s lover, committed suicide in despair.
TINKERBELL – caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.
BAMBI – shot by NRA member with an AK-47. His body was never found.
BALOO – is now decorating the floor in front of a fireplace.
LADY & THE TRAMP – sold to a Cantonese restaurant.
101 DALMATIANS – sold to the Ringling Bros. Circus, were eaten by lions.
THE RESCUERS – involved in cancer research.
TRON – someone pulled the plug out by accident.
CAPTAIN EO – had a leak in his spacesuit.
JESSICA RABBIT – backup singer for Guns ‘N Roses.
THE LITTLE MERMAID – caught by Mrs. Paul’s Inc.
ALADDIN – was caught stealing one too many times, is now being traded nightly at Leavenworth for a pack of menthols.
Stock Market Terms
CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW— The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who
bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked
up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
Iraqi TV Schedule
SUNDAY:
0800 – My 33 Sons
0830 – Osama Knows Best
0900 – I Dream of Mohammed
0930 – Let’s Mecca Deal
1000 – The Kabul Hillbillies
MONDAY:
0800 – Husseinfeld
0900 – Mad About Everything
0930 – Monday Night Stoning
1000 – Win Bin Laden’s Money
1030 – Allah McBeal
TUESDAY:
0800 – Wheel of Terror
0830 – The Price is Right if Osama Says it’s Right
0900 – Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
0930 – Taliban’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
1000 – Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
WEDNESDAY:
0800 – Beat the Press
0830 – When Kurds Attack
0900 – Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
0930 – Just Shoot Everyone
1000 – Veilwatch
THURSDAY:
0800 – Fatima Loves Chachi
0830 – M*U*S*T*A*S*H
0900 – Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
0930 – Married with 139 Children
1000 – Eye for an Eye Witness News
FRIDAY:
0800 – Judge Saddam
0830 – Suddenly Sanctions
0900 – Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
0930 – Cave and Garden Television
1000 – No-Witness News
SATURDAY:
0800 – Spongebob Squareturban
0830 – Who’s Koran Is It Anyway?
0900 – Teletalibans
0930 – Camel 54, Where Are You?
1000 – Survival – Baghdad
Life’s Unanswered Questions
When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Who invented accents?
Who named everything?
Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there never any artist’s materials in a drawing room?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn’t we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why aren’t there bullet-proof pants?
Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won’t they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do guys wear underpants?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do ‘tug’boats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn’t superglue stick to its container?
Why don’t you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called ‘after dark’, when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open it’s not adoor?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a “near miss”?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dish washing liquid contains real lemons?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the word “abbreviate” so long?
Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don’t you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?
The light went out, but where to?
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Sooner or later, doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?
Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover and an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot… and something cold, cold?
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM’s?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas station when smoking is prohibited there?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
If an orange is orange, whey isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? – or maybe I’ll just have a big bunch of purples.
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
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