10 Truths

This is funny. If you you politically correct you may be offended. All of it was funny as hell to me.

TEN TRUTHS WHITE, BLACK, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON’T ADMIT:

1. Hickies are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country’s flag is not a car decoration.
5. Cars are not meant to touch the ground.
6. “Jump out and run” is not in any insurance policies.
7. Ten people to a car is considered too many.
8. You’re in America, you speak English.
9. Mami and Papi can’t possibly be the nickname of every person inyour family
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

TEN TRUTHS BLACK, HISPANIC, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON’T ADMIT:

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. NSYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional spanking helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

TEN TRUTHS WHITE, HISPANIC, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON’T ADMIT:

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Ranch is a salad dressing, not a side dish.
5. Your pastor doesn’t know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it’s a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

TEN TRUTHS WHITE, HISPANIC, AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT ASIAN PEOPLE WON’T ADMIT:

1. You can’t drive.
2. Disneyland is not the happiest place on earth.
3. The peace sign is outdated.
4. Rice is not a main course.
5. Taking pictures is fun, taking pictures of strangers is just weird.
6. Feet were meant to grow.
7. You need girls just as much as you need boys.
8. Dogs were meant to be pets, not eaten.
9. You dont need above a 4.0 to graduate.
10. Fanny packs are not an accessory.

The Top 10 Liberal Pick-Up Lines

10) You sure you’re not Joy Behar? Cause I’m really digging the view.

9) The caribou are rapidly disappearing. Mind if I look for them under your skirt?

8) Mandate your coverage? I mandate you get uncovered.

7) Why don’t you come back to my place and I’ll show you my stimulus package.

6) I’m Pro-Choice, so you can choose to be on top or bottom.

5) Let’s hop in my electric car and let the sparks fly.

4) I saw you across the room, and thought, “I’d like to have him help me get my first abortion.”

3) You’re so hot, you should be banned by the Kyoto Treaty.

2) Want to see my solo performance of the Vagina Monologues?

1) My wife just doesn’t understand me. She’s the Secretary of State, and travels all the time.

Rules of Life

1. Life is not fair, get used to it.

2. The world will not care about your self esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.

3. You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school.
You won’t be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.

4. If you think your teacher was tough, wait until you get a boss who doesn’t have tenure.

5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity, your grandparents had a different word for it:opportunity.

6. If you mess up, it’s not your parent’s fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes.

7. Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying bills, cleaning clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are.

8. Television is not real life, in real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop for a job.

9. Be nice to nerds, chances are you’ll end up working for one.

I Know Age Is Catching Up With Me When…

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.

I’m wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.

I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts ’till 8pm.

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.

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