Tag: Lists

Amusing

Noah’s Ark

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah’s Ark.

ONE: Don’t miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you’re 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn’t always an advantage… The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you’re stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

Amusing

The Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Without Clothes

You’ve always wanted to do it, now here are the top 10 reasons to go to work without clothes!

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

6. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

…and (drum roll, please) the number one reason to Go To Work without clothes:

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00.”

Amusing

Life Of A Government Worker

  1. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”
  2. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
  3. When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else’s problem; when management screws up they are promoted.
  4. Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes,” “in your spare time,” “when you’re freed up” and “I have an opportunity for you to excel.”
  5. Training is something spoken about but never seen.
  6. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
  7. No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.
  8. Change is the norm.
  9. Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.
  10. The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
  11. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
  12. You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.

 

Amusing

Things Adults Learn From Kids

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house they will find a way to get in

A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Snoopy underwear and a Superman cape.

It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh;” it’s already too late.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR’s do not eject sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
 

Amusing

Stupid Questions

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can’t woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say”hi, my name’s Bob. I’m an alcoholic”?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They’re both dogs.
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn’t he buy his dinner?
17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there’s billions of stars in the universe,you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
 

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