- A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
- A girl’s best asset is her ‘lie’ability.
- America good place to put Chinese restaurants.
- Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.
- Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
- Better to sleep with chicken than to choke it.
- Boiling water, very hot.
- Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.
- Butcher who backs into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.
- Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work.
- Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
- Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.
- Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
- Fool climb tree to find cherry—wise man spread limbs.
- Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
- Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.
- Girl who sits on judges lap get honorable discharge.
- Girl who slide down banister nude get splinter by crackey!
- Girl with back to fire warming whole of her body.
- He who eat ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver.
- He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
- He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
- He who fishes in another man’s well often catches crab.
- He who live in glass house consumate in basement as well.
- He who lives in glass house dresses in basement.
- He who outruns the cheetah is very fast on his feet.
- He who pick bum have smelly finger.
- He who refuses to listen is lying.
- He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
- He who sniffs coke drowns.
- Hockey player on ice have big stick.
- House without toilet is uncanny.
- If chain still swinging, seat will be warm.
- If you turn an oriental around, he become disoriented.
- If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
- Keeping it in family sure sound incestuous.
- Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
- Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman have more!
- Man should never straddle barbed wire fences.
- Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
- Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!
- Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.
- Man who bounce woman on bedspring this spring have offspring next spring.
- Man who can bait hook without hooking finger, is a Master Baiter!!
- Man who date flat-chested girl have good reason to feel low-down.
- Man who dream of eating giant mushroom—wake up with no pillow.
- Man who drive like hell bound to get there!
- Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
- Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
- Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
- Man who get paid pick up chick.
- Man who goes to bed with cigarette wake up dead.
- Man who go out with flat chested woman feel shallow.
- Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
- Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
- Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
- Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!
- Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!
- Man who lay maiden in pantry get ass in jam.
- Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off.
- Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
- Man who lose key to girlfriend’s apartment get no nukey!
- Man who pee through screen door strain himself.
- Man who piss into wind always get his own back.
- Man who pull a fast one leave rubber behind .
- Man who pulls on woman’s bra-strap may get bust in mouth.
- Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
- Man who read woman like book, prefer braille!
- Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
- Man who screws cook in pantry often gets ass in jam.
- Man who sells Kotex, is crack salesman.
- Man who sink into woman’s arms soon have arms in woman’s sink.
- Man who sit on tack get point!
- Man who sleeps with old hen finds it’s better than pullet.
- Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands.
- Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
- Man who stand on toilet get high on pot.
- Man who sucks nipples—make clean breast of things.
- Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.
- Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!
- Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
- Man with athletic fingers make Broad Jump!
- Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.
- Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
- Man with tool in woman’s mouth, not necessarily a dentist.
- Naked man fears no pick pocket.
- Never eat yellow snow.
- Never raise hands to angry child—it leave groin exposed.
- Panties not best thing on earth—but next to it.
- Passionate kiss like spider’s web. Soon lead to undoing of fly.
- Pentecostal who pass out get laid in church.
- Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up than man run with pants down.
- Sailor who get discharged from Navy feel sad to leave buddies behind.
- Schoolboy OK to masturbate as long as it’s not against Principal.
- Seven days of honeymoon make one whole weak.
- Squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts.
- Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find nuts.
- Support bacteria – it’s the only culture some people have!
- The hand that turneth the knob opens the door.
- Those who make love in strawberry patch have butt in jam.
- To make egg roll, push it.
- To prevent hangover stay drunk!
- Virgin like balloon–one prick, all gone.
- Virgin with thimble on finger never feel prick.
- War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
- Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
- When baby cry, give bust in face.
- When in doubt, whip it out.
- When lady says no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady.
- Wife for life is better than wife for strife.
- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
- Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
- Woman is like jazz music—3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.
- Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
- Woman who dance while wearing a jock strap have make believe ballroom.
- Woman who fly air plane up-side down, have big crack up!
- Woman who go to man’s apartment for snack may get tit bit.
- Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy.
- Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
- Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.
- Woman with bleached blonde hair have black hair by cracky.
- Woman with cold hands have fire under skirt.
- Women fake orgasm, Men fake foreplay.
- Women take to good hearted men. Also from.
Tag: Lists
Iraqi TV Guide
MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal
TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq’s Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Veilwatch
THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads
FRIDAY
8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed’s Creek
9:30 No-witness News
31 Foregone Facts Barack Obama Fans Should Ponder!
1. If a previous president would have increased the deficit by double the amount of his predecessor’s eight year tenure in only his first 30 months, would you have considered him an oniomaniac?
2. If a previous president had then proposed to double the current debt within 10 years, would you have approved?
3. If a previous president would have spent nearly a trillion dollars in stimulus and guaranteed unemployment would not exceed 8%, would you have called him a liar?
4. If a previous president would have played golf for thirteen weekends in a row leaving it up to congressional leaders to deal with the greatest financial crisis since the great depression, would you have considered him disengaged and out of touch?
5. If a previous president had criticized a state law that he admitted to never even reading, would you have thought him an ignoramus?
6. If a previous president had passed an unconstitutional law that would have comprised of nearly 1/6th of the country’s entire GDP, forced Americans to purchase a private product (in violation of the commerce clause), fined them if they didn’t, hired 16,000 new IRS agents to enforce it, and exempted 1500 organizations from having to abide by that new law, would you have thought him a mafia boss?
7. If a previous president joined the country of Mexico and sued a state in America to force that state to continue to allow illegal immigration, would you have questioned his patriotism and priorities and wonder who his allegiance was to?
8. If a previous president had pronounced Navy Corpsman like you pronounce a dead corpse, would you have thought he was stupid?
9. If a previous president had put 87,000 people out of work by arbitrarily placing a moratorium on offshore oil drilling on companies that have one of the best safety records because one foreign company had an accident, would you have agreed?
10. If a previous president had used a forged document as the basis of the moratorium that would render 87,000 American workers unemployed would you have supported him?
11. If a previous president had been the first president to need a teleprompter to get through a press conference, would you have thought this is more proof of how inept he is on his own and that he’s really controlled by smarter people behind the scenes?
12. If a previous president had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take his wife to a play in NYC, would you have approved?
13. If a previous president had reduced your retirement plan holdings of GM stock by 90%, given the unions a majority stake in the car maker and shut down 789 perfectly profitable Chrysler dealerships because they were were owned by registered republicans, would you have approved?
14. If a previous president had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved?
15. If a previous president had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVDs when Gordon Brown gave him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?
16. If a previous president had given the Queen of England an iPod containing audios of his speeches, would you have thought it a proud moment for America, or that a narcissist occupied the White House?
17. If a previous president had bowed to Kings of third world countries while on an apologetic tour, would you have approved?
18. If a previous president had visited Austria and made reference to the nonexistent “Austrian language,” would you have thought it a minor slip?
19. If a previous president had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who don’t pay their own income taxes, would you have approved?
20. If a previous president had said there were 57 states in the United States, wouldn’t you have been shocked?
21. If a previous president would have flown all the way to Denmark to make a five minute speech about how the Olympics would benefit him walking out of his front door in his home town, would you not have thought him a conceited, egomaniac?
22. If a previous president had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to “Cinco de Cuatro” in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the fourth of May (Cuatro de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have not been embarrassed?
23. If a previous president had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on “Earth Day,” would you have concluded he’s a hypocrite?
24. If a previous president’s administration had okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan that caused widespread panic, would you have thought him insensitive and clueless about what actually happened on 9/11?
25. If a previous president had created the position of 45 Czars who reported directly to him, bypassing the House and Senate and usurping the Constitution, would you have approved?
26. If a previous president had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?
27. If a previous president had spent nearly $2 million dollars hiding his identity all the way back to his childhood, would you have been suspicious?
28. If a previous president had been raised a Muslim, spent more time living abroad in Islamic countries than he did in the United States, hung out with terrorists, and attended a hate church for 20 years, would you have not thought him brainwashed?
29. If a previous president had received a Nobel Peace Prize for nothing more than out campaigning his competitors, would you have thought him the laughing stock of recipients?
30. If a previous president had ordered a botched illegal gun running operation that resulted in American arms winding up in the hands of foreign drug cartels who in turn murdered Americans, would he not have had blood on his hands and been ordered to resign?
31. If a previous president had released a fraudulent long form birth certificate and was factually proven ineligible to even be the president whether he was born on American soil or not (father had dual citizenship Kenya/Britain) would you have not demanded impeachment?
In summary, when you ask Obama to “Barack Your World,” refer to this list and try not to hurl.
If…
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn’t an exterminator be the opposite?
If there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If anything’s possible, then is it possible that nothing’s possible?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Job Add Lingo
“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you.
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.
“CAREER-MINDED”
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
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